Headlines

Trump Reveals Pick For VP… Himself! UPDATE.

GOP Senator: Let restaurants ‘opt out’ of handwashing after toilet to ‘reduce regulatory burden’

Male Doctors Don’t Know Why More Women Are Opting For Breast Reductions.

Trump Reveals Pick For VP… Himself! UPDATE.

Posted in: Politics | Comments (0)

In a move that surprised no one, Trump has selected himself to be his Vice Presidential pick. In a brief statement to reporters, he explained that he needed someone who is an “attack dog”, someone who would work hard to defend him against others, even those within the party he has hijacks, who were attacking him, and he realized that the only one capable of deflecting truthful criticism about him was himself.

He added that Supreme Court Justice Ginsburg is an old poopy-head.

UPDATE: In a separate statement, Trump campaign adviser Stag “Stumpy” Hughjalarge said the pick made perfect sense. “No one fights harder for Donald J Trump than Donald J Trump” he explained. “This isn’t even all that ground-breaking. Think about this; if Dick Cheney, who was in charge of finding the best Vice Presidential candidate for G W Bush, can choose himself to be G W Bush’s Vice President, then why can’t Trump, who is in charge of finding a candidate for Vice President, choose himself to be Vice President?”. “Plus” he notes “if Trump can run 514 companies and be awesome at it, then just being CEO of two government jobs will be a piece of cake, right?”.

He then added “Gindsburg is a witch”.

alterednews @ July 13, 2016

GOP Senator: Let restaurants ‘opt out’ of handwashing after toilet to ‘reduce regulatory burden’

Posted in: Un-Altered New (truth = stranger than fiction) | Comments (0)

 

No…. I didn’t make this up.

Story, with video, is here.

alterednews @ February 3, 2015

Male Doctors Don’t Know Why More Women Are Opting For Breast Reductions.

Posted in: Boobies, Global Warming, Health | Comments (0)

Male doctors are flummoxed!

They don’t know why more women, and in particular more young women, are opting for breast reductions. “Why????” Dr. Hugh G. Siezmore says as he shakes his head.

Homeopathic gay surgeon Mack D. Knife has no problem with the procedure, and has performed many of these operations. “It’s life-changing for some girls, and I see the difference,” Knife says. “One patient, prior to her surgery… She was hunched over, looking down, wearing bulky dull gray sweatshirts. And when she came back after her surgery, she was wearing color. It was amazing!”.

Dr Siezmore notes “Environmental estrogens, called xenoestrogens, are substances that mimic the hormone our bodies naturally produce, which will makes buppies bigger”. These chemicals are often found in pesticides, plastics, meat from animals that have been given steroid hormone drugs to speed up growth. “It’s everywhere, and I find the side effects quite lovely! I mean, if women are going to evolve and change due to environmental pollution, why not help it along in this fashion. Can you ask for anything better?”.

Research professor Dr. Steve Martin thinks the increase in breast size may be due to global warming. “Hey, if it can make birds small [as reported here at Altered News], there is no reason why it can make breasts bigger.”. He adds “And for the first time in my research career, I’m starting to think that a little global warming may not be such a bad thing, especially if this boob thing pans out”.

“Maybe, just maybe, global warming is tits after all”.

—————————–
Original story here.

 

alterednews @ February 3, 2015

Keystone / California High Speed Rail Compromise Reached.

Posted in: Government, Politics | Comments (0)

In a surprise move today, The Republican Congress announced they would drop their push to build the controversial Keystone XL oil pipeline. Instead, they have made a deal with the California High Speed Rail Authority to use the bullet train to ship the Canadian tar sands oil instead of people.

“It makes sense when you think about it” said CHSRA Spokeswoman Connie Floggingbottom. “We were finding it impossible to find any private funding for the project, and, truth be told, our critics were right. No one was going to ride this train anyawy. It was all just a way for Governor Jerry Brown to make a name for himself”.

Finding the changes to the plan more palatable with its own goals, cigarette company Phillip Morris has already pledged to contribute funding to the project, and also has expressed interest in buying advertising space on the rail cars.

Former Pacific Gas and Electric President Christopher Johns will be taking over as the Chief Executive Officer of CHSRA. One of the first moves he plans to make is to change the route of the train. “Since it won’t be dealing with passnegers anymore, there is no need to have it run through po-dunk towns like Bakersfield and Fresno. It’s now going to follow along the natural path tha’s been carved out by the states own San Andreas Fault”.

“It makes perfect sense” says Johns. “The route is already there, just waiting to be exploited. We are just taking advantage of a natural resource. And that one move is going to cut expenses in half, and bring the price tag down closer to what the voters thought it would be when they voted on this project back in 2008”.

When ask about concerns about running the rails along the San Andreas fault, which is projected to produce massive earthquakes of 8.0 on the Richter Scale or higher in the near future, Johns commented “I had a nice conversation with Ted Cruz, the new Chair of the Senate’s Space, Science and Competitiveness commission. He has assured me that the Ssan Andreas fault is now dead and everything is perfectly safe”.

Johns added “It’s Ted Cruz! The man is GOLDEN!!! He would never lead anyone down the wrong path! Nothing can possibly go wrong!”.

alterednews @ January 13, 2015

Republican Senator Ted Cruz Vows To Crush Science.

Posted in: Global Warming, Politics | Comments (0)

Republican Senator Ted Cruz has been appointed as the new chair of the Senate subcommittee on Space, Science and Competitiveness. On FOX News, he has declared the first thing he will do is end the debate concerning global warming by cutting all funding to any agency under his purview that even mentions anything about global warming in its mission statement and by removing any accumulated data from the record books.

“By eliminating the data, that will finally show once and for all that there is no global warming”. He proclaimed.

He also plans to have NASA turn the famed Hubble telescope to point to the area of the skies where Heaven is thought to be so the world can finally get a glimpse of God. “If anything can finally prove to the non-believers that God exists, Hubble is our tool”. He added “We can finally put the trillions of dollars the tax payers wasted on that floating hunk of junk to good use”. Some on Capitol Hill believe Cruz intends to let the NSA borrow the Hubble from time to time to assist in surveillance duties.

It is also rumored that within a year, Cruz plans to have a man land on Mars and claim the planet a new territory for the United States. He declined to comment on the record, but others close to Cruz have said that, recently, after he read the Cliffnotes for the book “David Starr, Space Ranger”, he told them he realized that the U.S. must land a man on Mars as soon as possible in order to show its exceptionalism. The sources also said that Cruz planned to get around the tremendous technical challenges concerning the endeavor by giving tons of money to private space industries, and also to destroy any scientific papers and references to those problems, thereby wiping the problems from existence.

alterednews @ January 13, 2015

Fresno Musician Mugged By Rogue Make-Up Artist. UPDATE.

Posted in: Celebrities | Comments (0)

1888980_801965613198227_4905188068912847571_o

Local Fresno musician Blake Jones was assaulted by what Mr. Jones calls a “rogue” make-up artist last night while attending the Roger Perry CD release party at Audies Olympic on Friday night.

“It was horrible” said Mr. Jones. “I was minding my own business, then from out of nowhere this woman tackles me, knocks me down, then starts putting make-up all over me! It was so quick and violent, I really had no time to react”.

Mr. Jones was treated at the scene for cuts and abrasions, as well as eye irritation after the at6tacker stuck the eye-liner applicator into his eye.

“I’m lucky she didn’t poke my eye out”.

UPDATE: It is now being reported that the entire story is an elaborate hoax. Mr. Jones had gotten into a cycle mishap earlier that day, and was trying to hide that fact from his wife, who had restricted him from riding his trike. Former friend Jeff Hallock notes that Mr. Jones has often pulled stunts to get attention.

“It’s why we’re not friends anymore” added Mr. Hallock. “He’ll do or say anything to get attention. Yeah… He’s pretty much an attention whore”.

When confronted with the new information, Mr. Jones responded: “Come On! You can’t trust that guy! He’s a drug addict!!!!!”.

To bolster his case, Mr. Hallock added: “That woman in the picture applying the make-up to Blake works for the Rogue Festival [a world renowned week-long music festival held in Fresno every year at end of February, featuring famed artists such as Laurel Canyon], and she told me Blake paid her to try and cover up the results of the accident”. It appears Mr. Jones used the term “rogue make-up artist” in order to pass a lie detector test if asked to do so.

UPDATE 2: It appears video of the crash has been uncovered, proving that drug addict Jeff Hallock was indeed providing accurate information.

[jwplayer mediaid=”153″]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fM-KyBAzdgE

alterednews @ January 10, 2015

Celebrity RIP

Posted in: Celebrities | Comments (0)

Sad News…. Francisco Franco has died! 🙁

He was 82.

alterednews @ January 2, 2015

BREAKING NEWS – SANTA CLAUS GETTING ROUGH TREATMENT FROM CONGRESS / OBAMA ADMINISTRATION

Posted in: Celebrities, Politics | Comments (0)

 

UPDATE!  It seems our previous article has struck a nerve.

We previously reported that Santa Claus makes less than the United States Congress does. We are now learning that the does not sit well in Toyland.

Mr. Claus could not be reached for comment and declined an interview. But sources who work closely with the Jolly Ol’ guy in the toy shoppe confirm that he’s not happy about the situation. They note that he complains daily about how much harder he has to work than Congress does! They say Mr. Claus is reluctant to speak out in fear that the subsidies that his manufacturing plant gets may be reduced or pulled. One diminutive source even hinted that the NSA, under orders from the Obama administration, had threatened to put Santa on the “No Fly” list if he let his frustrations be known.

We will keep you informed of further developments.

alterednews @ December 22, 2014

REVEALED! YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW MUCH SANTA GETS PAID!!!!!!!!!

Posted in: Celebrities | Comments (1)


They say that the best things in life are free, but if you don’t pay, then you don’t eat!

Well, due to his size, we know that Santa Claus eats a lot, and it has finally been revealed how much he makes to be able to afford all that food.

His pay is $139,924 annually.

That is more than many of the clients he serves, including Petroleum Engineers, at $132,000, Air Control Managers, who Mr. Claus often relies on, at $121,000, and of Podiatrists, who earn $112,00. Surprisingly, his pay is even higher than that most foul of professions, being a lawyer, who not only earn an average of $114,000 a year, but also often get coal in their stockings, complements of Mr. Claus.

It must be noted however that Santa Claus’s pay is quite a bit less than that of the average Congressman, who start at $174,000. Of course, this discrepancy may be justified, as the U.S. Congress is known for giving away far more every year than Santa has ever dreamed in his 193 year life.

Original Story Here.

alterednews @ December 22, 2014

ALTERED-NEWS BACK IN BUSINESS!!!!!

Posted in: Editorial | Comments (0)

By: The editorial staff.

After a year-long hiatus, this vital news site is back on line! The Obama administration had tried to shut us and our truthiness down, and almost succeeded! In spite of severe personal cost, like selling the entire staff CD and DVD collection, and giving up booze for a year, we have finally been able to get back in the game! We have moved our publishing facilities to Russia. Due to the recent hyper inflation of the Ruble and the properties of foreign exchange rates, the money made off our little firesale has enabled us to buy a nice mansion in the hills and three newspaper outlets! Despite our meager amount of funds and value in the US market, we are thriving here! And the Russian Government has assured us that we will have a free hand to write whatever we want… And we LOVE Vladimir Putin so SOOOOO Much!!!!!

Take THAT Mr. Obama!!!!

alterednews @ December 19, 2014

SONY EMBARRASSED BY E-MAIL LEAKS – YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT THEY DID NEXT!

Posted in: Celebrities, Politics | Comments (0)

 

BREAKING ! SONY FIRES ENTIRE CYBER SECURITY STAFF – HIRES IRS TO HANDLE E-MAIL SECURITY!

In a surprise move, Sony Corp. has given pink slips to its entire cyber-security team, and has contracted with the United States Internal Revenue Service to handle all e-mail security from this point forward, with former IRS agent Lois Lerner taking over as the Chief Information Security Officer.

While Sony Corp has yet to comment on the change, perhaps out of fear that someone will slip and insult Angelina Jolie, White Hat Security specialist Kevin Mxyzptlk declares this a bold move on Sony’s part.

“Their (Sony’s) former security team really didn’t do a very good job with internet security, and the recent events show what can happen when it’s not done properly. They had all sorts of bot-net vulnerabilities, were open to DDoS (distributed denial of service) attacks, and couldn’t tell a keylogger from a rootkit”.

Famous semi-French / Tech TV personality Leo LePortne added: “Hiring the IRS guys is a brilliant move! I mean, they managed to hide all those e-mails from the Congress by losing them. In this day and age, where everything has multiple back-ups, it’s quite a feat to lose ANY e-mail or other digital information! But somehow, they did it! It was, quite frankly, brilliant security!”.

Though no retaliatory plan has been revealed, various sources say that Lerner and company are now expected to scrutinize certain North Korean Government organizations applying for tax exempt status by focusing on groups with certain words in their names or titles, such as North Korea or Kim Jong Un.

alterednews @ December 19, 2014

Alex Baldwin And New Wife Welcome New Baby Pig.

Posted in: Celebrities | Comments (0)

Actor Alec Baldwin and wife Hilaria Thomas Baldwin welcomed a baby female pig, Carmen Gabriela, on Friday in New York, Hilaria’s hairdresser said on Twitter.

“Did you hear they have a new piglett they named Carmen Gabriela,” she wrote. “I’ve alerady seen pictures on Gawker! She is absolutely perfect. All pink too!”

Ireland Baldwin, Alec Baldwin’s 17-year-old rude and thoughtless not-so-little pig, tweeted about the new family member’s arrival, writing, “Welcome to the world, Carmen! I’m a (expletive) sister!”

She then went on to note a coincidence about their birthdays, writing, “I was born October 23. Carmen was born Friday, August 23. Do I smell bacon?”

One fan of Baldwin noted “Man, this is great, but I hope the new pig doesn’t turn out to be a toxic little queen pig…. that might cause problems in the Baldwin household”.

Real Story here.

Related story here.

alterednews @ August 24, 2013

Breaking News! Apple Patents Breathing – Lawsuit Against Biosphere Iminent!… UPDATE, 12 – 23 – 2012.

Posted in: Certain World Destruction, Global Warming, Health, Lawsuits | Comments (0)

Fresh off its stunning billion dollar victory over rival phone / tablet maker Samsung, Apple has revealed it owns the patent for breathing and plans to take the biosphere to court next week.

It is unclear if they are going to demand damages, or demand a cease and decease desist order against all breathing animals on the planet.

If the company does decide to pursue the latter strategy, New York University bio-ethics law professor Medina Clorion sees a potential silver lining in an Apple victory. “A win in this lawsuit would have many positive effects for the environment” he says. “Yes, people would die, but a win here for Apple would take care of so many of the problems that humans are so reticent to correct: starvation, plagues, global warming, you name it!. There would of course be no more war, and that would certainly earn Apple the Noble Peace Prize, a very rare accomplishment for a large modern corporation to earn!”.

It is unknown at this time if plant life will be covered in this lawsuit. But, with its victory over it very powerful competitor, many speculate that Apple is feeling like it is in a position to act in a bold fashion.

Hat Tip: Evil Apple Image.

UPDATE, 12 – 23 – 2012: According to internet / intellectual property lawsuit watchdog Groklaw, Apple has recently patented the patenting process. The would-be cell phone and tablet monopolist, while researching matters for its defense against one of the many lawsuits aimed at destroying its competition, stumbled upon the oversite that the U.S. Government had never actually patented the patent process.

This could be a major boon for Apple, as not only do they now control the entire patent process, allowing the denial of patents of useful technologies by potential rivals, but Apple may very well reverse recent patent reversals, and surreptitiously stop any further inquiries into the validity of other dubious patents Apple is currently using to sue the world. One if the patents in question is the patent on breathing.

alterednews @ August 24, 2012

Breaking News! John Edwards Has A Heart!

Posted in: Health, Politics | Comments (1)

Who knew?

alterednews @ January 13, 2012

“McRib Sandwhich Key Ingredient In Next Gen Gym Mats”

Posted in: Consumer Reports, Health | Comments (0)

Story by Jack Box.

Like Microsoft and Apple computers before them, McDonalds has long been pushing to get their products directly into the lives of the American high school student population. Though those efforts have made both health activist and parent groups grimace, McDonalds may have found a way it get around the road block. It seems that certain athletic equipment manufacturers have gone to the mat for them.

Companies, such as the Chinese Gong-Dong Feng-Shie Ye-Haw Plastics, have been using ingredients from the infamous McRib sandwhich as a bonding agent in their yoga mats. “We stumbled upon this idea a number of years ago” says GFYP chemist / swimming pool consultant Cheng Leu. “One of our sales associates had a McRib while on a business trip in America. When he came back he would not shake our hands, as, despite several washings and a plane trip back to China, he had a very difficult time getting the residue from the sticky sandwich off his hands. Only my knowledge of chemicals from the pool industry allowed me to come up with a formula to dissolve the stuff”. Mr. Leu at once realized that the McRib would be an excellent bonding agent for the new brand of yoga and exercise mats targeted for American schools.

Meanwhile, here in America, Tony Godbout, CEO of exercise equipment start-up “Ham Slam” also realized the benefits of using the McRib in its mats, and quickly got the thumbs up from McDonalds to use them in the manufacturing of their products. “Unlike the stinky old mats we used to use in gym class when we were kids, these new mats smell good! kids want to get on the mats and wrestle and stuff because now it’s an enjoyable experience!”. Mr. Godbout, a one-time educator, notes “There is a pedagogical benefit to using the sandwich in the manufacturing process. It fits with Gardners Multiple Intelligences theory because you are including more of the senses. The kids love the smell of the gym now, and are much more motivated to work out and get exercise than they used to be”.

McDonalds Corporation, meanwhile, is smiling all the way to the bank. Not only are they collecting royalties from the equipment manufacturers, they are also creating a whole generation of kids who will likely subliminally crave the calorie packed gooey product for years to come.

Original story here.

alterednews @ November 2, 2011

BREAKING NEWS! Qaddafi Flees Libya, Replaces Steven Tyler on American Idol … UPDATE

Posted in: Politics | Comments (0)

qai

written by the mysterious Wesley M.

TRIPOLI — Fleeing armed rebels and unarmed protesters, Libyan strongman Muammar Qaddafi has accepted the international community’s offer of exile in Hollywood, where he will appear as a judge on Season 11 of the hit television show American Idol.

“It’s hard to keep a show fresh and unpredictable after 10 years on the air, so we’re excited to have Col. Qaddafi as a judge next season,” said Executive Producer Cecile Frot-Coutaz. “Qaddifi combines the wackiness of Steven Tyler and Paula Abdul with the tyrannic intensity of Simon Cowell. And his chemistry with Ryan Seacrest during the audition was unbelievable!”

Governments around the world uniformly praised the diplomatic breakthrough.

“The Libyan people gain their freedom from a murderous psychopath, and the American people gain another year of great television,” said U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in Geneva. “This kind of win-win is the essence of smart diplomacy.”

The recently struck deal, however, also breathes new life into lingering suspicions of a double standard in the Obama administration’s handling of the revolutions in Libya and Egypt. Addressing this issue, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney explained, “Hosni Mubarak is a 82-year-old autocrat with no knowledge of modern pop music, whereas Col. Qaddafi has paid for personal concerts by the likes of Mariah Carey, Beyonce, and Nelly Furtado. The two situations really couldn’t be more different.”

Republicans predictably criticized the new agreement.

“When America sheltered Nazi scientists after World War II, we at least got the Apollo moon program out of it,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner. “What are we getting from Qaddafi? A better way to make some tone-deaf kid from Wichita cry?”

Potential presidential candidate Sarah Palin tweeted, “I guess Stalin had a scheduling conflict. And yes, I do know Stalin is dead.” (UPDATE: See related article, “Chris Matthews: ‘Why Is Sarah Palin Lying About Knowing Josef Stalin Is Dead?'”)

At least one veteran television personality, speaking on condition of anonymity, also expressed confusion. “Steven Tyler’s antics brought great ratings, but I guess he just became too unmanageable on the set,” Kelsey Grammer told Reuters. “But why the State Department and the American Idol producers think a tyrant who bombed his own people will be any more reasonable is just beyond me.”

Confronted with Grammer’s anonymous comments, new State Department spokesperson Charlie Sheen responded, “Kelsey Grammer’s mind cannot process how many bad-ass gnarly gnarlingtons are still out there. Even if Qaddafi flames out, we can keep filling a dictator’s seat at that judges’ table for decades, bro. I’m an F-18. Winning!”

Steven Tyler could not be reached for comment.

UPDATE: Though the original article was published in March, P. A., the anonymous source of the story, confirms Qaddafi has been in negotiations with FOX concerning American Idol since that time, and now, as Libya’s government falls, this is straight up a done deal!

alterednews @ August 22, 2011

Fukushima – Six Months Later.

Posted in: Editorial, Politics | Comments (0)

EDITORIAL by Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr.

There has been a number of disturbing repercussions from the melt-down at the Fukushima nuclear power facility. There have been varying reports of radiated food making its way into the Japanese food supply. Now there are reports that some of that food is being shipped to the United States, and none other than Hillary Clinton is behind it!

There is much speculation that she is attempting to affect the public’s already low opinion of President Barrack Obama by irradiating them, curing the massive brain cancer outbreak that cause his election in the first place, and she takes credit, thereby creating a perfect path to finally secure her place as Commander In Chief, something that should have happened 2 1/2 years ago.

Best of luck to you Hillary Clinton. We at Altered News have your back!

You may be saying… How is this going to work! Radiation can’t possibly affect peoples ability to chose wisely… Can it?

Oh, but it CAN. This isn’t brain surgery you know! Back in Japan, in a stunning development, this same Fukushima radiation has cause some very strange mutations to occur among the Japanese people. It seems to have indeed altered their ability to have any decent taste at all! You want proof? Here it is!

http://www.examiner.com/human-rights-in-national/radiating-americans-with-fukushima-rain-food-secret-clinton-pact

You may be saying, “Hey, this was ten years ago! How can Fukushima possibly have caused that?”. Physics, my friends, physics. Everyone knows that large, sudden fluctuations in radiation often triggers a ripple in the quantum time dilation effect. In non-technical terms, the effect of Fukushima traveled through time and created the hideous thing now known as Yatta, and altered the tastes of the Japanese people in the past to LOVE this sort of thing! And we know that, before Fukushima, that simply wasn’t the case! The quantumly un-irradiated Japanese people of the late 90’s were a sensible people and would never find themselves clamoring for such a thing as Yatta!

Now, you may ask “If this is the case, if the Fukushima event can alter history, then why isn’t Hillary Clinton, now, indeed, President?”.

That is a perfectly reasonable question with a perfectly reasonable answer. In order for the quantum time dilation effect to affect your past, you have to be near the source of the even. Quantum physics is very local. Hillary was nowhere near the Fukashima nuclear power plant at the time of the melt-down, so she could not have been able to benefit directly. Remember, Schrodinger’s Cat has to be inside the box in order to be both dead and alive.. Same thing here! But it has been shown that much lower levels of Fukushima’s quantum radiation CAN non-the-less affect a populations sense of taste…

And Hillary is READY FOR IT!!!

eekhillary

Note, some suspect the sudden emergence in America of both Michael Moore in the 90’S and Michelle Bachmann this last year may have also been a result of the Fukushima disaster. But so far, no one has been able to place either Moore or Bachmann near the scene of the accident to verify the hypothesis.

Still, that would explain a few things.

alterednews @ August 15, 2011

Madison Detached Hand Mystery….. Solved?

Posted in: Politics | Comments (3)

blue fist

A family dog in Madison brought home a severed human hand Saturday, launching a search that turned up the body of a suspected anti-Republican / Governor Walker protester, police said.

Sgt. Jody Tittle said police were called to a residence around 8:25 a.m. on reports that the family’s black Labrador retriever had the hand in its mouth.

Police searched with the assistance of Border Patrol search dogs for about 2 1/2 hours before coming upon the body of a man near a canal.

Tittle said the body appeared to have been there for a day or so, and that the man’s red shirt had “Solidarity” printed on front, leading officials to believe he was a protester at a recent anti-Governor Walker rally.

UPDATE:

Police now say they do have a person of interest connected to the crime. Blogger Chris Althouse was seen the day before defending his mother Ann Althouse from an attack that may have emanated from this very protester. The University of Wisconsin Law Professor and widely read blogger writes on her blog:

In the middle of the screen, at 3:38, in the red “fist” T-shirt and holding a heart-shaped balloon, is the man who pointed me out in the rotunda yesterday and who (apparently) participated in the comments yesterday under the pseudonym “Dirty Hippie.” He talks to the attacker just before the attacker yells “You’re socially retarded” and attacks me. The attack is at 3:58, off camera. Meade yells “hey” a few times and gets the incident framed. At 4:00, you see Chris detaching that man’s hands from me.

Here is the video.

However, if any of the members of the Althouse family is responsible for the protesters death, there may be little the Madison Police can do. Buried within the language of the Walker budget, there is a hidden provision within the bill  indemnifying the actions taken by bloggers against those who assault them at political rallies. Curiously, there is no name attached to this specific language in the bill, only the initials A. A. Police are baffled that this provision would have gone unnoticed, and that the identity of the sponsor of this provision is so cleverly concealed.

—————————————————

Original story here.

alterednews @ August 13, 2011

John McCaine: “No Black Pilots… For Now.”

Posted in: Politics | Comments (0)

mccain

In a move that surprised some, Senator John McCain, who had previously said he would follow the advise of senior military leaders concerning the ban against allowing blacks to fly missions, has gone against the advise of senior military leaders, who now say that repealing the ban would do no long term harm to military readiness.

“At this time, we should be inherently cautious about making any changes that would affect our military, and what changes we do make should be the product of careful and deliberate consideration,”

McCain, who retired at the rank of Captain in 1981, was directly challenged by current Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Admiral Mike Mullen, the military’s top uniformed officer who chairs the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

“Repeal of the law will not prove unacceptable risk to military readiness. Unit cohesion will not suffer if our units are well-led. And families will not encourage their loved ones to leave the service in droves.”

Mullen also said that Congress should act before the courts do, and that wartime is an ideal time for repeal.

“War does not stifle change; it demands it,” he said. “It does not make it harder; it facilitates it.”

McCain responded:

“Gates? He was never in the military… What does he know”!

Concerning Mullen, he added this:

“Yes, he’s an Admiral, but he hasn’t actually served in theater with the troops for years. He doesn’t know what’s going on, on the ground. He simply doesn’t understand how much damage this will cause to troop cohesiveness”

Major General Frank O’Driscoll Hunter defended McCain’s position:

“Racial friction will occur if colored and while pilots are trained together.”

Actual Story Here.

alterednews @ December 2, 2010

Editorial – Climate Change Secret Revealed!

Posted in: Global Warming | Comments (0)

I was reading this story at WUWT, and truth revealed itself…

gayclimate

By looking at the graphic as presented, it’s obvious….

CLIMATE CHANGE IS GAY!

This explains why liberals embrace it so.

You know, when ever I came across global warming, my gay-dar would always twitch a little. At first I though maybe my senses were a bit out of whack because of the extra warmth we’ve caused, so I had my gay-dar re-calibrated to compensate (not an inexpensive task I must tell you). But, I’ll be damned if it still didn’t pique my curiosity… There was just SOMETHING going on here that caught my queer eye. Now I can let out a sigh of relief!

Note, the colors are not quite a rainbow, but that is on purpose. Climate Change is still trying to hide the truth. It’s still in denial. Please Climate Change, don’t do anything rash like jump off a bridge or something. I promise… It gets better.

alterednews @ October 21, 2010

Mysterious form of epilepsy triggered by Hannah Montana

Posted in: Un-Altered New (truth = stranger than fiction) | Comments (0)

Is this actually surprising news?

alterednews @ September 15, 2010

Global Warming Gives Oysteres Herpes.

Posted in: Gettin' It On, Global Warming, Health, Un-Altered New (truth = stranger than fiction) | Comments (0)

oysterherpes

Talk about sucking the life out of a good myth.

Scientists last month confirmed that oysters, long rumored to be aquatic aphrodisiacs, are contracting herpes, and the disease is killing them in great numbers, National Geographic now reports.

Deadly and incurable, the virus has been ravaging oyster communities near the coast of the U.K., killing off the Pacific variety of the shellfish.

While not contagious to humans and apparently only able to infect the Pacific strain of oysters, the disease now threatens the Pacific oyster industry off the English coast, Treehugger adds.

The cause, according to the National Geographic, could actually be related to global warming. The herpes strain infecting the oysters is only active in waters above a certain temperature, and remains dormant otherwise. As global water temperatures rise, new breeding grounds for the herpes virus appear.

Herpes in mollusks has been known about for years. The recent strain, first detected in France in 2008, is more virulent and deadly because it attacks young oysters in their breeding phase, when they have reduced immune defenses.
———————————————————————–

Yes, this is a real story, not altered in any way.

alterednews @ August 11, 2010

Developing – Gays Fight For Right To Get Engaged.

Posted in: Politics | Comments (0)

Now that the notion of gay marriage has shown to be less than a sure thing as far as the voting public is concerned, and is currently tied up in the courts, Bruce Blatt, longtime same sex advocate, has come up with an ingenious plan to advance the cause – gay engagement! “It’s the next obvious step” said the full-time blogger of Gay Surface-To-Air Missile., or GaySTAM.

“Look honey, we get far closer to our goal than people realize. We get to share rings, we get to have engagement parties,  bachelor and bachelor parties and other parties, have the future in-laws over for dinner, and we can live together like we’re married, yet it won’t be our fault that we can’t get married, but like so many American who get engaged and never get married, we can also pretend that it’s going to happen. It would be like voting “present” on marriage”.

“Plus, unlike marriage, there is no controlling legal authority, so it would be much harder to legally block our new movement”. He added “No one can stop us. Time is on our side”.

Sean Dobson, head of the Foundation for Fighting against Fake Families, sees the latest move to gain acceptance of gay relationships as dangerous to the ideal of real families. ” Engagements have for centuries been exclusively between one man and one woman. This whole idea of gays getting engaged is scam, designed to promote sympathy for those people. It tears at the social fabric that binds us all,  and will destroy the institution that is engagement!”.

Blatt counters that assertion “They used that argument against same sex marriage. We wouldn’t have destroyed it because it’s already destroyed. Remember when Brittney Spears got married in Vegas for a day. That does more to ruin marriage than we ever could. And now, you have Levi and Bristol making a mockery of  their engagement after only two weeks….  So there you go!”.

In Related News:  The FFFF has been caught using fake families to promote their family friendly cause.

alterednews @ August 3, 2010

Global Warming Causes Monkeys To Hate Squirrels (for good reason).

Posted in: Global Warming, Health | Comments (1)

evil squirrel

Researchers have observed small monkeys called Japanese macaques going bananas at the sight of a flying squirrel, and provides yet more proof of global warming.

This riled-up response was in the past probably just a false alarm, with the monkeys mistaking the squirrel for a predatory bird. On the other hand, as global warming is making birds smaller, the macaques are now mistaking bats for birds, birds for bugs, and bugs for butter. This type of confusion could very well lead to the eventual extinction of the macaques.

Biologists and psychologists have long studied macaques’ complex social interactions for insights into the human societal changes expected as a result of global warming.

“Human evolution occurred alongside primate evolution from a common mammalian ancestor,” Onishi told LiveScience. “Therefore, it is important to learn the evolution of primates in understanding the previous steps in human evolution to understand how we will react to a changing environment.”

When Japanese giant flying squirrels glided over to a tree in the monkeys’ vicinity, adults and adolescent macaques started hollering at it threateningly, the researchers report. Young macaques screamed “Crap, it’s a bird!” and mothers scooped up their infants, while adults and high-ranking males in particular went and physically harassed the offending squirrel.

Onishi said other researchers have observed macaques used to respond in a similarly aggressive manner to birds that prey on the monkeys, such as the golden eagle and mountain hawk eagle. These raptors glide and swoop much like the flying squirrels. But not only are the once mighty raptors getting smaller, but the flying squirrels are getting more aggressive. In fact new research shows that the entire squirrel family may be developing a taste for animal flesh, which of course includes the human variety, with children being particularly vulnerable. Yet another potentially devastating consequence of global warming.

Other woodland creatures, including hares, deer and wild boars, have also shown an increase in carnivorous tendencies, said Onishi.

Real Story Here

More squirrel attack video here.

alterednews @ August 2, 2010

IRS visits Sacramento carwash in pursuit of 4 cents

Posted in: Uncategorized | Comments (0)

[Editor’s Note: This is an Un-Altered news event]

By Bob Shallit
bshallit@sacbee.com

It was every businessperson’s nightmare.

Arriving at Harv’s Metro Car Wash in midtown Wednesday afternoon were two dark-suited IRS agents demanding payment of delinquent taxes. “They were deadly serious, very aggressive, very condescending,” says Harv’s owner, Aaron Zeff.

The really odd part of this: The letter that was hand-delivered to Zeff’s on-site manager showed the amount of money owed to the feds was … 4 cents.

Inexplicably, penalties and taxes accruing on the debt – stemming from the 2006 tax year – were listed as $202.31, leaving Harv’s with an obligation of $202.35.

Zeff, who also owns local parking lots and is the president of the Midtown Business Association, finds the situation a bit comical.

“It’s hilarious,” he says, “that two people hopped in a car and came down here for just 4 cents. I think (the IRS) may have a problem with priorities.”

Now he’s trying to figure out how penalties and interest could climb so high on such a small debt. He says he’s never been told he owes any taxes or that he’s ever incurred any late-payment penalties in the four years he’s owned Harv’s.

In fact, he provided us with an Oct. 22, 2009, letter from the IRS that states Harv’s “has filed all required returns and addressed any balances due.”

IRS spokesman Jesse Weller isn’t commenting “due to privacy and disclosure laws.”

Zeff says he’s as offended as much as anything else by what he considers rude behavior by the IRS guys. While at Harv’s, he sniffs, “they didn’t even get a car wash.”

alterednews @ March 14, 2010

Birds Shrinking Due To Global Warming, Will Disappear By 2035

Posted in: Global Warming | Comments (7)

Songbirds in the US are getting smaller, and climate change is suspected as the cause.

A study of almost half a million birds, belonging to over 100 species, shows that many are gradually becoming lighter and growing shorter wings. This shrinkage has occurred within just half a century in response to warmer temperatures, and at this rate, many may disappear by 2035.

In biology, there is a general rule of thumb that animals tend to become smaller in warmer climates: an idea known as Bergman’s Rule. Usually this trend can be seen among animal species that live over a range of latitude or altitude, with individuals living at more northern latitudes or higher up cooler mountains being slightly larger than those below. But global warming has thrown this process into overdrive, and many of the birds in North America will soon become so small, they will literally wink out of existence.

A black-capped chickadee has its wing chord measured

A black-capped chickadee is half as large as it cousins of thirty years ago

The WWF funded study examined the weight and size of 48 individual birds that had been caught and measured at the ringing station from 1961 to 2007. What the scientists found was striking. The birds in North America are getting small. Lead Ornithologist Steve Martin was laughed at when he first proposed his thesis, but his critics are laughing no more.

The differences in size are stunning.

“On average, the decline in mass of spring migrants over the 46 year study was 50%. That’s shocking as a young boy changing shoe sizes in reverse” says Doc Martin. The rose-breasted grosbeak has declined in mass by about 40%, while the Kentucky warbler has dropped 30.3% in weight and the scarlet tanager 20.3%.

Kentucky warbler

Kentucky warblers are now 30% lighter

The trend is particularly noticeable among those birds that have bright colors.

“In one obvious sense, the consequences are positive,” says Dr Rajendra Pachauri, head of the IPCC. “Now people will have to take global warming and the IPCC more serious, or else we will lose the ability to buy downy blankets or goose feather pillows”.

Rose-breasted gosbeak

Rose-breasted gosbeaks are now 40% lighter

“Luckily, India has few birds, and this problem is not seen in the bird populations in my country, so we in India will not have to cut our greenhouse gas emissions” he added.

Dr. Martin laments “When we take pictures, we ask you to ‘watch the birdie’. Future generations will have no idea what that means and will think you’re cuckcoo. It’s really tragic”.

Original Story Here.

alterednews @ March 12, 2010

Women guilty of feeling too guilty, study shows

Posted in: Un-Altered New (truth = stranger than fiction) | Comments (0)

Many men, on the other hand, stay emotionally detached, study suggests

[Editor’s Note:   OK. This is a real story. I don’t see any reason to change or alter anything here, do you? It speaks for itself.]

Kim Moldofsky can feel guilt over just about anything — her children, stray cats, her work, her husband. “I am easily guilted,” she told me, laughing.

Meanwhile, her husband, Brad, 41, remains blissfully guilt-free. “He is kind and caring but he can be more detached,” said Moldofsky, a 41-year-old “mom blogger” and social media strategist near Chicago. “Sometimes I want him to get caught up in the emotion.” More on page 21

alterednews @ March 11, 2010

Rich men have longer sex life expectancy, study says

Posted in: Health | Comments (0)

[ Duh! ]

Report also finds the average person’s sex life winds down after death.

LONDON – It seems the old cliche may be true. Rich men are more likely than anyone to be interested in sex, have sex and enjoy sex, according to new scientific research, which also found rich people who stay active and healthy enjoy longer sex lives.

Research by University of Chicago academics published online Wednesday in the British Medical Journal found that, across all age groups, rich men were more interested in sex than poor men — and the gap increased with age.

Real Article Here.

alterednews @ March 10, 2010

B of A Cancels Overdraft Fees, Re-institutes Debtor Prisons

Posted in: Consumer Reports | Comments (0)

NEW YORK – Bank of America customers will soon be unable to spend more than they have in the accounts linked to their debit cards, and instead may be thrown into debtors prison. It’s a step that may become a common move ahead of new regulations limiting overdraft fees.

Rules set by the Federal Reserve that will ban banks from charging such fees, without first getting permission from the customer, are set to take effect July first.

But Bank of America is going a step further than the regulations require. It will  no longer allow debit card purchases to go through if there isn’t enough money in the account. And if the customer continues to overdraft their checking accounts or fail to pay their credit cards on time, they will be sent to debtor prisons.

Debtor Prisons have been politically unpopular in the United States since 1833, but recently, conservative politicians such as  Sarah Palin and Dick Cheney, and even democratic pundits like Paul Begala and James Carville have recently expressed a certain warmth for the idea. The prisons are reported to be administrated by the Blackwater security firm, the troubled company that hired mercenaries in the Iraq and Afghanistan wars.  “We’ve been wanting to move away from the image of the ‘mercenary’ company, and feel this is a perfect opportunity to branch out” said Blackwater founder Eric Prince. When asked about  concerns of civil rights issues related related to Blackwaters past, and the rights of consumers who find themselves in  debt, and  Cheney replied “They can go f**k themselves”.

Some extreme repeat offenders may even find themselves headed to a secret facility rumored to be built along side the terrorist detention center located at Guantanamo Bay.

“I think banks will use this as an opportunity to be creative and differentiate themselves from the weak-kneed Federal regulators in ways that was really hard to do when everybody had a free checking account,” says Robert Meara, a banking analyst with the consultant firm Celent.

Consumers have demonstrated a willingness to pay overdrafts for covering the mortgage and the car payment, said Greg McBride, who follows the banking industry for Bankrate.com. Now, if they continue to be delinquent on those large ticket items, they may be on a boat to Cuba, “But not if it’s things like covering a latte and a scone.” McBride assured.

Original Story Here.

NOTE: B of A may actually be behind the curve as far as debtor prisons are concerned. More info here.

alterednews @ March 10, 2010

Obama Apologizes To Supreme Court, Asks For Beer Summit!

Posted in: Politics | Comments (0)

Seeking to quell the controversy over his  comments on a recent Supreme Court decision, President Barack Obama made a surprise visit to the White House briefing room this afternoon.

Obama_Gates_E_20090724155525.jpgAssociated Press

“I unfortunately gave an impression that I was maligning the Supreme Court or Justice Kennedy specifically, and I could have calibrated those words differently,” Obama told reporters.

At his primetime State Of The Union address on January 27th, Obama said the Supreme Court acted stupidly regarding the Citizen United vs the FEC, and the decision will “open the floodgates” of spending for corporations and foreign companies and other special interests in reversing a century. One Supreme Court justice, Samual Alito, shook his head as if to say the court acted appropriately.

UPDATE 4:06 p.m.: In a statement, the White House said Obama spoke with Justice Roberts this afternoon at 3:15 p.m. “They had a positive discussion during which the president told Roberts about his call with Judge Alito and statement to the media,” reads the statement. Obama has invited Justices Roberts, Kennedy, Alito and the other Supreme Court justices to a meeting at the White House for a beer summit “in the near future.”

Note: Original story content borrowed from: WSJ

alterednews @ March 10, 2010

Illinois Dem Favored To Win After Arrest History Surfaces

Posted in: Politics | Comments (0)

CHICAGO – A political newcomer who won the Democratic nomination for Illinois lieutenant governor said he has no intention of leaving the race after details emerged about his arrest for allegedly holding a knife to his former girlfriend’s throat, noting that his poll numbers have been climbing steadily since the details of his arrest hit the press.

Scott Lee Cohen struck a defiant tone as running mate Gov. Pat Quinn predicted they were sure to win the race.  “There are questions, and I will provide all answers honestly and openly,” Cohen said in a statement Thursday.

Cohen was arrested on domestic battery charges in 2005, accused of pushing his then-girlfriend’s head against a wall and of the knife incident. The police report noted abrasions on her neck and hand, but charges were dropped after she failed to appear in court.

<strong><strong>Arrest for prostitution</strong></strong>
Police records show the woman had been arrested for prostitution, the Chicago Tribune reported. Cohen said he did not know that at the time. He told WTTW-TV that he met her at a “massage therapy place” and believed she was a masseuse. Cohen denied hitting her and said their relationship was “tumultuous.”

Cohen said he has asked her and his ex-wife, Debbie Cohen York, to clear the air. York sought an order of protection against Cohen in 2005 as she filed for divorce. She said his violence was fueled by anabolic steroids.

Cohen acknowledged his past steroid use but denied abusing York.

“I never touched her, I never touched any woman,” he told WLS-TV late Thursday. “That’s not my style, that’s not me.”

York stood by her allegations but said Cohen had changed.

“At the time, he was going through a different phase,” she said. “He was a different person than he is now.”

Cohen, a pawnbroker and owner of a cleaning supplies company, shocked the political establishment by beating four state lawmakers to nab the Democratic nomination with 26 percent of the vote. He gained strong name recognition with advertising that featured people who said they found jobs at employment fairs he organized. Thus, he is following Chicago native Barrack Obama’s footsteps into politics by way of community organizing.

Source Article – <a href=”http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35256474/ns/politics-decision_2010/”>Here</a>.

alterednews @ March 10, 2010