Archive for August, 2011

BREAKING NEWS! Qaddafi Flees Libya, Replaces Steven Tyler on American Idol … UPDATE

Monday, August 22nd, 2011


written by the mysterious Wesley M.

TRIPOLI — Fleeing armed rebels and unarmed protesters, Libyan strongman Muammar Qaddafi has accepted the international community’s offer of exile in Hollywood, where he will appear as a judge on Season 11 of the hit television show American Idol.

“It’s hard to keep a show fresh and unpredictable after 10 years on the air, so we’re excited to have Col. Qaddafi as a judge next season,” said Executive Producer Cecile Frot-Coutaz. “Qaddifi combines the wackiness of Steven Tyler and Paula Abdul with the tyrannic intensity of Simon Cowell. And his chemistry with Ryan Seacrest during the audition was unbelievable!”

Governments around the world uniformly praised the diplomatic breakthrough.

“The Libyan people gain their freedom from a murderous psychopath, and the American people gain another year of great television,” said U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in Geneva. “This kind of win-win is the essence of smart diplomacy.”

The recently struck deal, however, also breathes new life into lingering suspicions of a double standard in the Obama administration’s handling of the revolutions in Libya and Egypt. Addressing this issue, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney explained, “Hosni Mubarak is a 82-year-old autocrat with no knowledge of modern pop music, whereas Col. Qaddafi has paid for personal concerts by the likes of Mariah Carey, Beyonce, and Nelly Furtado. The two situations really couldn’t be more different.”

Republicans predictably criticized the new agreement.

“When America sheltered Nazi scientists after World War II, we at least got the Apollo moon program out of it,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner. “What are we getting from Qaddafi? A better way to make some tone-deaf kid from Wichita cry?”

Potential presidential candidate Sarah Palin tweeted, “I guess Stalin had a scheduling conflict. And yes, I do know Stalin is dead.” (UPDATE: See related article, “Chris Matthews: ‘Why Is Sarah Palin Lying About Knowing Josef Stalin Is Dead?'”)

At least one veteran television personality, speaking on condition of anonymity, also expressed confusion. “Steven Tyler’s antics brought great ratings, but I guess he just became too unmanageable on the set,” Kelsey Grammer told Reuters. “But why the State Department and the American Idol producers think a tyrant who bombed his own people will be any more reasonable is just beyond me.”

Confronted with Grammer’s anonymous comments, new State Department spokesperson Charlie Sheen responded, “Kelsey Grammer’s mind cannot process how many bad-ass gnarly gnarlingtons are still out there. Even if Qaddafi flames out, we can keep filling a dictator’s seat at that judges’ table for decades, bro. I’m an F-18. Winning!”

Steven Tyler could not be reached for comment.

UPDATE: Though the original article was published in March, P. A., the anonymous source of the story, confirms Qaddafi has been in negotiations with FOX concerning American Idol since that time, and now, as Libya’s government falls, this is straight up a done deal!

Fukushima – Six Months Later.

Monday, August 15th, 2011

EDITORIAL by Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr.

There has been a number of disturbing repercussions from the melt-down at the Fukushima nuclear power facility. There have been varying reports of radiated food making its way into the Japanese food supply. Now there are reports that some of that food is being shipped to the United States, and none other than Hillary Clinton is behind it!

There is much speculation that she is attempting to affect the public’s already low opinion of President Barrack Obama by irradiating them, curing the massive brain cancer outbreak that cause his election in the first place, and she takes credit, thereby creating a perfect path to finally secure her place as Commander In Chief, something that should have happened 2 1/2 years ago.

Best of luck to you Hillary Clinton. We at Altered News have your back!

You may be saying… How is this going to work! Radiation can’t possibly affect peoples ability to chose wisely… Can it?

Oh, but it CAN. This isn’t brain surgery you know! Back in Japan, in a stunning development, this same Fukushima radiation has cause some very strange mutations to occur among the Japanese people. It seems to have indeed altered their ability to have any decent taste at all! You want proof? Here it is!

You may be saying, “Hey, this was ten years ago! How can Fukushima possibly have caused that?”. Physics, my friends, physics. Everyone knows that large, sudden fluctuations in radiation often triggers a ripple in the quantum time dilation effect. In non-technical terms, the effect of Fukushima traveled through time and created the hideous thing now known as Yatta, and altered the tastes of the Japanese people in the past to LOVE this sort of thing! And we know that, before Fukushima, that simply wasn’t the case! The quantumly un-irradiated Japanese people of the late 90’s were a sensible people and would never find themselves clamoring for such a thing as Yatta!

Now, you may ask “If this is the case, if the Fukushima event can alter history, then why isn’t Hillary Clinton, now, indeed, President?”.

That is a perfectly reasonable question with a perfectly reasonable answer. In order for the quantum time dilation effect to affect your past, you have to be near the source of the even. Quantum physics is very local. Hillary was nowhere near the Fukashima nuclear power plant at the time of the melt-down, so she could not have been able to benefit directly. Remember, Schrodinger’s Cat has to be inside the box in order to be both dead and alive.. Same thing here! But it has been shown that much lower levels of Fukushima’s quantum radiation CAN non-the-less affect a populations sense of taste…

And Hillary is READY FOR IT!!!


Note, some suspect the sudden emergence in America of both Michael Moore in the 90’S and Michelle Bachmann this last year may have also been a result of the Fukushima disaster. But so far, no one has been able to place either Moore or Bachmann near the scene of the accident to verify the hypothesis.

Still, that would explain a few things.

Madison Detached Hand Mystery….. Solved?

Saturday, August 13th, 2011

blue fist

A family dog in Madison brought home a severed human hand Saturday, launching a search that turned up the body of a suspected anti-Republican / Governor Walker protester, police said.

Sgt. Jody Tittle said police were called to a residence around 8:25 a.m. on reports that the family’s black Labrador retriever had the hand in its mouth.

Police searched with the assistance of Border Patrol search dogs for about 2 1/2 hours before coming upon the body of a man near a canal.

Tittle said the body appeared to have been there for a day or so, and that the man’s red shirt had “Solidarity” printed on front, leading officials to believe he was a protester at a recent anti-Governor Walker rally.


Police now say they do have a person of interest connected to the crime. Blogger Chris Althouse was seen the day before defending his mother Ann Althouse from an attack that may have emanated from this very protester. The University of Wisconsin Law Professor and widely read blogger writes on her blog:

In the middle of the screen, at 3:38, in the red “fist” T-shirt and holding a heart-shaped balloon, is the man who pointed me out in the rotunda yesterday and who (apparently) participated in the comments yesterday under the pseudonym “Dirty Hippie.” He talks to the attacker just before the attacker yells “You’re socially retarded” and attacks me. The attack is at 3:58, off camera. Meade yells “hey” a few times and gets the incident framed. At 4:00, you see Chris detaching that man’s hands from me.

Here is the video.

However, if any of the members of the Althouse family is responsible for the protesters death, there may be little the Madison Police can do. Buried within the language of the Walker budget, there is a hidden provision within the bill  indemnifying the actions taken by bloggers against those who assault them at political rallies. Curiously, there is no name attached to this specific language in the bill, only the initials A. A. Police are baffled that this provision would have gone unnoticed, and that the identity of the sponsor of this provision is so cleverly concealed.


Original story here.