Archive for December, 2014

BREAKING NEWS – SANTA CLAUS GETTING ROUGH TREATMENT FROM CONGRESS / OBAMA ADMINISTRATION

Monday, December 22nd, 2014

 

UPDATE!  It seems our previous article has struck a nerve.

We previously reported that Santa Claus makes less than the United States Congress does. We are now learning that the does not sit well in Toyland.

Mr. Claus could not be reached for comment and declined an interview. But sources who work closely with the Jolly Ol’ guy in the toy shoppe confirm that he’s not happy about the situation. They note that he complains daily about how much harder he has to work than Congress does! They say Mr. Claus is reluctant to speak out in fear that the subsidies that his manufacturing plant gets may be reduced or pulled. One diminutive source even hinted that the NSA, under orders from the Obama administration, had threatened to put Santa on the “No Fly” list if he let his frustrations be known.

We will keep you informed of further developments.

REVEALED! YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW MUCH SANTA GETS PAID!!!!!!!!!

Monday, December 22nd, 2014


They say that the best things in life are free, but if you don’t pay, then you don’t eat!

Well, due to his size, we know that Santa Claus eats a lot, and it has finally been revealed how much he makes to be able to afford all that food.

His pay is $139,924 annually.

That is more than many of the clients he serves, including Petroleum Engineers, at $132,000, Air Control Managers, who Mr. Claus often relies on, at $121,000, and of Podiatrists, who earn $112,00. Surprisingly, his pay is even higher than that most foul of professions, being a lawyer, who not only earn an average of $114,000 a year, but also often get coal in their stockings, complements of Mr. Claus.

It must be noted however that Santa Claus’s pay is quite a bit less than that of the average Congressman, who start at $174,000. Of course, this discrepancy may be justified, as the U.S. Congress is known for giving away far more every year than Santa has ever dreamed in his 193 year life.

Original Story Here.

ALTERED-NEWS BACK IN BUSINESS!!!!!

Friday, December 19th, 2014

By: The editorial staff.

After a year-long hiatus, this vital news site is back on line! The Obama administration had tried to shut us and our truthiness down, and almost succeeded! In spite of severe personal cost, like selling the entire staff CD and DVD collection, and giving up booze for a year, we have finally been able to get back in the game! We have moved our publishing facilities to Russia. Due to the recent hyper inflation of the Ruble and the properties of foreign exchange rates, the money made off our little firesale has enabled us to buy a nice mansion in the hills and three newspaper outlets! Despite our meager amount of funds and value in the US market, we are thriving here! And the Russian Government has assured us that we will have a free hand to write whatever we want… And we LOVE Vladimir Putin so SOOOOO Much!!!!!

Take THAT Mr. Obama!!!!

SONY EMBARRASSED BY E-MAIL LEAKS – YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT THEY DID NEXT!

Friday, December 19th, 2014

 

BREAKING ! SONY FIRES ENTIRE CYBER SECURITY STAFF – HIRES IRS TO HANDLE E-MAIL SECURITY!

In a surprise move, Sony Corp. has given pink slips to its entire cyber-security team, and has contracted with the United States Internal Revenue Service to handle all e-mail security from this point forward, with former IRS agent Lois Lerner taking over as the Chief Information Security Officer.

While Sony Corp has yet to comment on the change, perhaps out of fear that someone will slip and insult Angelina Jolie, White Hat Security specialist Kevin Mxyzptlk declares this a bold move on Sony’s part.

“Their (Sony’s) former security team really didn’t do a very good job with internet security, and the recent events show what can happen when it’s not done properly. They had all sorts of bot-net vulnerabilities, were open to DDoS (distributed denial of service) attacks, and couldn’t tell a keylogger from a rootkit”.

Famous semi-French / Tech TV personality Leo LePortne added: “Hiring the IRS guys is a brilliant move! I mean, they managed to hide all those e-mails from the Congress by losing them. In this day and age, where everything has multiple back-ups, it’s quite a feat to lose ANY e-mail or other digital information! But somehow, they did it! It was, quite frankly, brilliant security!”.

Though no retaliatory plan has been revealed, various sources say that Lerner and company are now expected to scrutinize certain North Korean Government organizations applying for tax exempt status by focusing on groups with certain words in their names or titles, such as North Korea or Kim Jong Un.