Archive for January, 2015

Keystone / California High Speed Rail Compromise Reached.

Tuesday, January 13th, 2015

In a surprise move today, The Republican Congress announced they would drop their push to build the controversial Keystone XL oil pipeline. Instead, they have made a deal with the California High Speed Rail Authority to use the bullet train to ship the Canadian tar sands oil instead of people.

“It makes sense when you think about it” said CHSRA Spokeswoman Connie Floggingbottom. “We were finding it impossible to find any private funding for the project, and, truth be told, our critics were right. No one was going to ride this train anyawy. It was all just a way for Governor Jerry Brown to make a name for himself”.

Finding the changes to the plan more palatable with its own goals, cigarette company Phillip Morris has already pledged to contribute funding to the project, and also has expressed interest in buying advertising space on the rail cars.

Former Pacific Gas and Electric President Christopher Johns will be taking over as the Chief Executive Officer of CHSRA. One of the first moves he plans to make is to change the route of the train. “Since it won’t be dealing with passnegers anymore, there is no need to have it run through po-dunk towns like Bakersfield and Fresno. It’s now going to follow along the natural path tha’s been carved out by the states own San Andreas Fault”.

“It makes perfect sense” says Johns. “The route is already there, just waiting to be exploited. We are just taking advantage of a natural resource. And that one move is going to cut expenses in half, and bring the price tag down closer to what the voters thought it would be when they voted on this project back in 2008”.

When ask about concerns about running the rails along the San Andreas fault, which is projected to produce massive earthquakes of 8.0 on the Richter Scale or higher in the near future, Johns commented “I had a nice conversation with Ted Cruz, the new Chair of the Senate’s Space, Science and Competitiveness commission. He has assured me that the Ssan Andreas fault is now dead and everything is perfectly safe”.

Johns added “It’s Ted Cruz! The man is GOLDEN!!! He would never lead anyone down the wrong path! Nothing can possibly go wrong!”.

Republican Senator Ted Cruz Vows To Crush Science.

Tuesday, January 13th, 2015

Republican Senator Ted Cruz has been appointed as the new chair of the Senate subcommittee on Space, Science and Competitiveness. On FOX News, he has declared the first thing he will do is end the debate concerning global warming by cutting all funding to any agency under his purview that even mentions anything about global warming in its mission statement and by removing any accumulated data from the record books.

“By eliminating the data, that will finally show once and for all that there is no global warming”. He proclaimed.

He also plans to have NASA turn the famed Hubble telescope to point to the area of the skies where Heaven is thought to be so the world can finally get a glimpse of God. “If anything can finally prove to the non-believers that God exists, Hubble is our tool”. He added “We can finally put the trillions of dollars the tax payers wasted on that floating hunk of junk to good use”. Some on Capitol Hill believe Cruz intends to let the NSA borrow the Hubble from time to time to assist in surveillance duties.

It is also rumored that within a year, Cruz plans to have a man land on Mars and claim the planet a new territory for the United States. He declined to comment on the record, but others close to Cruz have said that, recently, after he read the Cliffnotes for the book “David Starr, Space Ranger”, he told them he realized that the U.S. must land a man on Mars as soon as possible in order to show its exceptionalism. The sources also said that Cruz planned to get around the tremendous technical challenges concerning the endeavor by giving tons of money to private space industries, and also to destroy any scientific papers and references to those problems, thereby wiping the problems from existence.

Fresno Musician Mugged By Rogue Make-Up Artist. UPDATE.

Saturday, January 10th, 2015

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Local Fresno musician Blake Jones was assaulted by what Mr. Jones calls a “rogue” make-up artist last night while attending the Roger Perry CD release party at Audies Olympic on Friday night.

“It was horrible” said Mr. Jones. “I was minding my own business, then from out of nowhere this woman tackles me, knocks me down, then starts putting make-up all over me! It was so quick and violent, I really had no time to react”.

Mr. Jones was treated at the scene for cuts and abrasions, as well as eye irritation after the at6tacker stuck the eye-liner applicator into his eye.

“I’m lucky she didn’t poke my eye out”.

UPDATE: It is now being reported that the entire story is an elaborate hoax. Mr. Jones had gotten into a cycle mishap earlier that day, and was trying to hide that fact from his wife, who had restricted him from riding his trike. Former friend Jeff Hallock notes that Mr. Jones has often pulled stunts to get attention.

“It’s why we’re not friends anymore” added Mr. Hallock. “He’ll do or say anything to get attention. Yeah… He’s pretty much an attention whore”.

When confronted with the new information, Mr. Jones responded: “Come On! You can’t trust that guy! He’s a drug addict!!!!!”.

To bolster his case, Mr. Hallock added: “That woman in the picture applying the make-up to Blake works for the Rogue Festival [a world renowned week-long music festival held in Fresno every year at end of February, featuring famed artists such as Laurel Canyon], and she told me Blake paid her to try and cover up the results of the accident”. It appears Mr. Jones used the term “rogue make-up artist” in order to pass a lie detector test if asked to do so.

UPDATE 2: It appears video of the crash has been uncovered, proving that drug addict Jeff Hallock was indeed providing accurate information.

[jwplayer mediaid=”153″]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fM-KyBAzdgE

Celebrity RIP

Friday, January 2nd, 2015

Sad News…. Francisco Franco has died! 🙁

He was 82.