Keystone / California High Speed Rail Compromise Reached.


In a surprise move today, The Republican Congress announced they would drop their push to build the controversial Keystone XL oil pipeline. Instead, they have made a deal with the California High Speed Rail Authority to use the bullet train to ship the Canadian tar sands oil instead of people.

“It makes sense when you think about it” said CHSRA Spokeswoman Connie Floggingbottom. “We were finding it impossible to find any private funding for the project, and, truth be told, our critics were right. No one was going to ride this train anyawy. It was all just a way for Governor Jerry Brown to make a name for himself”.

Finding the changes to the plan more palatable with its own goals, cigarette company Phillip Morris has already pledged to contribute funding to the project, and also has expressed interest in buying advertising space on the rail cars.

Former Pacific Gas and Electric President Christopher Johns will be taking over as the Chief Executive Officer of CHSRA. One of the first moves he plans to make is to change the route of the train. “Since it won’t be dealing with passnegers anymore, there is no need to have it run through po-dunk towns like Bakersfield and Fresno. It’s now going to follow along the natural path tha’s been carved out by the states own San Andreas Fault”.

“It makes perfect sense” says Johns. “The route is already there, just waiting to be exploited. We are just taking advantage of a natural resource. And that one move is going to cut expenses in half, and bring the price tag down closer to what the voters thought it would be when they voted on this project back in 2008”.

When ask about concerns about running the rails along the San Andreas fault, which is projected to produce massive earthquakes of 8.0 on the Richter Scale or higher in the near future, Johns commented “I had a nice conversation with Ted Cruz, the new Chair of the Senate’s Space, Science and Competitiveness commission. He has assured me that the Ssan Andreas fault is now dead and everything is perfectly safe”.

Johns added “It’s Ted Cruz! The man is GOLDEN!!! He would never lead anyone down the wrong path! Nothing can possibly go wrong!”.


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