Archive for the ‘Certain World Destruction’ Category

Breaking News! Apple Patents Breathing – Lawsuit Against Biosphere Iminent!… UPDATE, 12 – 23 – 2012.

Friday, August 24th, 2012

Fresh off its stunning billion dollar victory over rival phone / tablet maker Samsung, Apple has revealed it owns the patent for breathing and plans to take the biosphere to court next week.

It is unclear if they are going to demand damages, or demand a cease and decease desist order against all breathing animals on the planet.

If the company does decide to pursue the latter strategy, New York University bio-ethics law professor Medina Clorion sees a potential silver lining in an Apple victory. “A win in this lawsuit would have many positive effects for the environment” he says. “Yes, people would die, but a win here for Apple would take care of so many of the problems that humans are so reticent to correct: starvation, plagues, global warming, you name it!. There would of course be no more war, and that would certainly earn Apple the Noble Peace Prize, a very rare accomplishment for a large modern corporation to earn!”.

It is unknown at this time if plant life will be covered in this lawsuit. But, with its victory over it very powerful competitor, many speculate that Apple is feeling like it is in a position to act in a bold fashion.

Hat Tip: Evil Apple Image.

UPDATE, 12 – 23 – 2012: According to internet / intellectual property lawsuit watchdog Groklaw, Apple has recently patented the patenting process. The would-be cell phone and tablet monopolist, while researching matters for its defense against one of the many lawsuits aimed at destroying its competition, stumbled upon the oversite that the U.S. Government had never actually patented the patent process.

This could be a major boon for Apple, as not only do they now control the entire patent process, allowing the denial of patents of useful technologies by potential rivals, but Apple may very well reverse recent patent reversals, and surreptitiously stop any further inquiries into the validity of other dubious patents Apple is currently using to sue the world. One if the patents in question is the patent on breathing.