After a year-long hiatus, this vital news site is back on line! The Obama administration had tried to shut us and our truthiness down, and almost succeeded! In spite of severe personal cost, like selling the entire staff CD and DVD collection, and giving up booze for a year, we have finally been able to get back in the game! We have moved our publishing facilities to Russia. Due to the recent hyper inflation of the Ruble and the properties of foreign exchange rates, the money made off our little firesale has enabled us to buy a nice mansion in the hills and three newspaper outlets! Despite our meager amount of funds and value in the US market, we are thriving here! And the Russian Government has assured us that we will have a free hand to write whatever we want… And we LOVE Vladimir Putin so SOOOOO Much!!!!!
There has been a number of disturbing repercussions from the melt-down at the Fukushima nuclear power facility. There have been varying reports of radiated food making its way into the Japanese food supply. Now there are reports that some of that food is being shipped to the United States, and none other than Hillary Clinton is behind it!
There is much speculation that she is attempting to affect the public’s already low opinion of President Barrack Obama by irradiating them, curing the massive brain cancer outbreak that cause his election in the first place, and she takes credit, thereby creating a perfect path to finally secure her place as Commander In Chief, something that should have happened 2 1/2 years ago.
Best of luck to you Hillary Clinton. We at Altered News have your back!
You may be saying… How is this going to work! Radiation can’t possibly affect peoples ability to chose wisely… Can it?
Oh, but it CAN. This isn’t brain surgery you know! Back in Japan, in a stunning development, this same Fukushima radiation has cause some very strange mutations to occur among the Japanese people. It seems to have indeed altered their ability to have any decent taste at all! You want proof? Here it is!
You may be saying, “Hey, this was ten years ago! How can Fukushima possibly have caused that?”. Physics, my friends, physics. Everyone knows that large, sudden fluctuations in radiation often triggers a ripple in the quantum time dilation effect. In non-technical terms, the effect of Fukushima traveled through time and created the hideous thing now known as Yatta, and altered the tastes of the Japanese people in the past to LOVE this sort of thing! And we know that, before Fukushima, that simply wasn’t the case! The quantumly un-irradiated Japanese people of the late 90’s were a sensible people and would never find themselves clamoring for such a thing as Yatta!
Now, you may ask “If this is the case, if the Fukushima event can alter history, then why isn’t Hillary Clinton, now, indeed, President?”.
That is a perfectly reasonable question with a perfectly reasonable answer. In order for the quantum time dilation effect to affect your past, you have to be near the source of the even. Quantum physics is very local. Hillary was nowhere near the Fukashima nuclear power plant at the time of the melt-down, so she could not have been able to benefit directly. Remember, Schrodinger’s Cat has to be inside the box in order to be both dead and alive.. Same thing here! But it has been shown that much lower levels of Fukushima’s quantum radiation CAN non-the-less affect a populations sense of taste…
And Hillary is READY FOR IT!!!
Note, some suspect the sudden emergence in America of both Michael Moore in the 90’S and Michelle Bachmann this last year may have also been a result of the Fukushima disaster. But so far, no one has been able to place either Moore or Bachmann near the scene of the accident to verify the hypothesis.