Archive for the ‘Global Warming’ Category

Male Doctors Don’t Know Why More Women Are Opting For Breast Reductions.

Tuesday, February 3rd, 2015

Male doctors are flummoxed!

They don’t know why more women, and in particular more young women, are opting for breast reductions. “Why????” Dr. Hugh G. Siezmore says as he shakes his head.

Homeopathic gay surgeon Mack D. Knife has no problem with the procedure, and has performed many of these operations. “It’s life-changing for some girls, and I see the difference,” Knife says. “One patient, prior to her surgery… She was hunched over, looking down, wearing bulky dull gray sweatshirts. And when she came back after her surgery, she was wearing color. It was amazing!”.

Dr Siezmore notes “Environmental estrogens, called xenoestrogens, are substances that mimic the hormone our bodies naturally produce, which will makes buppies bigger”. These chemicals are often found in pesticides, plastics, meat from animals that have been given steroid hormone drugs to speed up growth. “It’s everywhere, and I find the side effects quite lovely! I mean, if women are going to evolve and change due to environmental pollution, why not help it along in this fashion. Can you ask for anything better?”.

Research professor Dr. Steve Martin thinks the increase in breast size may be due to global warming. “Hey, if it can make birds small [as reported here at Altered News], there is no reason why it can make breasts bigger.”. He adds “And for the first time in my research career, I’m starting to think that a little global warming may not be such a bad thing, especially if this boob thing pans out”.

“Maybe, just maybe, global warming is tits after all”.

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Original story here.

 

Republican Senator Ted Cruz Vows To Crush Science.

Tuesday, January 13th, 2015

Republican Senator Ted Cruz has been appointed as the new chair of the Senate subcommittee on Space, Science and Competitiveness. On FOX News, he has declared the first thing he will do is end the debate concerning global warming by cutting all funding to any agency under his purview that even mentions anything about global warming in its mission statement and by removing any accumulated data from the record books.

“By eliminating the data, that will finally show once and for all that there is no global warming”. He proclaimed.

He also plans to have NASA turn the famed Hubble telescope to point to the area of the skies where Heaven is thought to be so the world can finally get a glimpse of God. “If anything can finally prove to the non-believers that God exists, Hubble is our tool”. He added “We can finally put the trillions of dollars the tax payers wasted on that floating hunk of junk to good use”. Some on Capitol Hill believe Cruz intends to let the NSA borrow the Hubble from time to time to assist in surveillance duties.

It is also rumored that within a year, Cruz plans to have a man land on Mars and claim the planet a new territory for the United States. He declined to comment on the record, but others close to Cruz have said that, recently, after he read the Cliffnotes for the book “David Starr, Space Ranger”, he told them he realized that the U.S. must land a man on Mars as soon as possible in order to show its exceptionalism. The sources also said that Cruz planned to get around the tremendous technical challenges concerning the endeavor by giving tons of money to private space industries, and also to destroy any scientific papers and references to those problems, thereby wiping the problems from existence.

Breaking News! Apple Patents Breathing – Lawsuit Against Biosphere Iminent!… UPDATE, 12 – 23 – 2012.

Friday, August 24th, 2012

Fresh off its stunning billion dollar victory over rival phone / tablet maker Samsung, Apple has revealed it owns the patent for breathing and plans to take the biosphere to court next week.

It is unclear if they are going to demand damages, or demand a cease and decease desist order against all breathing animals on the planet.

If the company does decide to pursue the latter strategy, New York University bio-ethics law professor Medina Clorion sees a potential silver lining in an Apple victory. “A win in this lawsuit would have many positive effects for the environment” he says. “Yes, people would die, but a win here for Apple would take care of so many of the problems that humans are so reticent to correct: starvation, plagues, global warming, you name it!. There would of course be no more war, and that would certainly earn Apple the Noble Peace Prize, a very rare accomplishment for a large modern corporation to earn!”.

It is unknown at this time if plant life will be covered in this lawsuit. But, with its victory over it very powerful competitor, many speculate that Apple is feeling like it is in a position to act in a bold fashion.

Hat Tip: Evil Apple Image.

UPDATE, 12 – 23 – 2012: According to internet / intellectual property lawsuit watchdog Groklaw, Apple has recently patented the patenting process. The would-be cell phone and tablet monopolist, while researching matters for its defense against one of the many lawsuits aimed at destroying its competition, stumbled upon the oversite that the U.S. Government had never actually patented the patent process.

This could be a major boon for Apple, as not only do they now control the entire patent process, allowing the denial of patents of useful technologies by potential rivals, but Apple may very well reverse recent patent reversals, and surreptitiously stop any further inquiries into the validity of other dubious patents Apple is currently using to sue the world. One if the patents in question is the patent on breathing.

Editorial – Climate Change Secret Revealed!

Thursday, October 21st, 2010

I was reading this story at WUWT, and truth revealed itself…

gayclimate

By looking at the graphic as presented, it’s obvious….

CLIMATE CHANGE IS GAY!

This explains why liberals embrace it so.

You know, when ever I came across global warming, my gay-dar would always twitch a little. At first I though maybe my senses were a bit out of whack because of the extra warmth we’ve caused, so I had my gay-dar re-calibrated to compensate (not an inexpensive task I must tell you). But, I’ll be damned if it still didn’t pique my curiosity… There was just SOMETHING going on here that caught my queer eye. Now I can let out a sigh of relief!

Note, the colors are not quite a rainbow, but that is on purpose. Climate Change is still trying to hide the truth. It’s still in denial. Please Climate Change, don’t do anything rash like jump off a bridge or something. I promise… It gets better.

Global Warming Gives Oysteres Herpes.

Wednesday, August 11th, 2010

oysterherpes

Talk about sucking the life out of a good myth.

Scientists last month confirmed that oysters, long rumored to be aquatic aphrodisiacs, are contracting herpes, and the disease is killing them in great numbers, National Geographic now reports.

Deadly and incurable, the virus has been ravaging oyster communities near the coast of the U.K., killing off the Pacific variety of the shellfish.

While not contagious to humans and apparently only able to infect the Pacific strain of oysters, the disease now threatens the Pacific oyster industry off the English coast, Treehugger adds.

The cause, according to the National Geographic, could actually be related to global warming. The herpes strain infecting the oysters is only active in waters above a certain temperature, and remains dormant otherwise. As global water temperatures rise, new breeding grounds for the herpes virus appear.

Herpes in mollusks has been known about for years. The recent strain, first detected in France in 2008, is more virulent and deadly because it attacks young oysters in their breeding phase, when they have reduced immune defenses.
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Yes, this is a real story, not altered in any way.

Global Warming Causes Monkeys To Hate Squirrels (for good reason).

Monday, August 2nd, 2010

evil squirrel

Researchers have observed small monkeys called Japanese macaques going bananas at the sight of a flying squirrel, and provides yet more proof of global warming.

This riled-up response was in the past probably just a false alarm, with the monkeys mistaking the squirrel for a predatory bird. On the other hand, as global warming is making birds smaller, the macaques are now mistaking bats for birds, birds for bugs, and bugs for butter. This type of confusion could very well lead to the eventual extinction of the macaques.

Biologists and psychologists have long studied macaques’ complex social interactions for insights into the human societal changes expected as a result of global warming.

“Human evolution occurred alongside primate evolution from a common mammalian ancestor,” Onishi told LiveScience. “Therefore, it is important to learn the evolution of primates in understanding the previous steps in human evolution to understand how we will react to a changing environment.”

When Japanese giant flying squirrels glided over to a tree in the monkeys’ vicinity, adults and adolescent macaques started hollering at it threateningly, the researchers report. Young macaques screamed “Crap, it’s a bird!” and mothers scooped up their infants, while adults and high-ranking males in particular went and physically harassed the offending squirrel.

Onishi said other researchers have observed macaques used to respond in a similarly aggressive manner to birds that prey on the monkeys, such as the golden eagle and mountain hawk eagle. These raptors glide and swoop much like the flying squirrels. But not only are the once mighty raptors getting smaller, but the flying squirrels are getting more aggressive. In fact new research shows that the entire squirrel family may be developing a taste for animal flesh, which of course includes the human variety, with children being particularly vulnerable. Yet another potentially devastating consequence of global warming.

Other woodland creatures, including hares, deer and wild boars, have also shown an increase in carnivorous tendencies, said Onishi.

Real Story Here

More squirrel attack video here.

Birds Shrinking Due To Global Warming, Will Disappear By 2035

Friday, March 12th, 2010

Songbirds in the US are getting smaller, and climate change is suspected as the cause.

A study of almost half a million birds, belonging to over 100 species, shows that many are gradually becoming lighter and growing shorter wings. This shrinkage has occurred within just half a century in response to warmer temperatures, and at this rate, many may disappear by 2035.

In biology, there is a general rule of thumb that animals tend to become smaller in warmer climates: an idea known as Bergman’s Rule. Usually this trend can be seen among animal species that live over a range of latitude or altitude, with individuals living at more northern latitudes or higher up cooler mountains being slightly larger than those below. But global warming has thrown this process into overdrive, and many of the birds in North America will soon become so small, they will literally wink out of existence.

A black-capped chickadee has its wing chord measured

A black-capped chickadee is half as large as it cousins of thirty years ago

The WWF funded study examined the weight and size of 48 individual birds that had been caught and measured at the ringing station from 1961 to 2007. What the scientists found was striking. The birds in North America are getting small. Lead Ornithologist Steve Martin was laughed at when he first proposed his thesis, but his critics are laughing no more.

The differences in size are stunning.

“On average, the decline in mass of spring migrants over the 46 year study was 50%. That’s shocking as a young boy changing shoe sizes in reverse” says Doc Martin. The rose-breasted grosbeak has declined in mass by about 40%, while the Kentucky warbler has dropped 30.3% in weight and the scarlet tanager 20.3%.

Kentucky warbler

Kentucky warblers are now 30% lighter

The trend is particularly noticeable among those birds that have bright colors.

“In one obvious sense, the consequences are positive,” says Dr Rajendra Pachauri, head of the IPCC. “Now people will have to take global warming and the IPCC more serious, or else we will lose the ability to buy downy blankets or goose feather pillows”.

Rose-breasted gosbeak

Rose-breasted gosbeaks are now 40% lighter

“Luckily, India has few birds, and this problem is not seen in the bird populations in my country, so we in India will not have to cut our greenhouse gas emissions” he added.

Dr. Martin laments “When we take pictures, we ask you to ‘watch the birdie’. Future generations will have no idea what that means and will think you’re cuckcoo. It’s really tragic”.

Original Story Here.