Archive for the ‘Health’ Category

Male Doctors Don’t Know Why More Women Are Opting For Breast Reductions.

Tuesday, February 3rd, 2015

Male doctors are flummoxed!

They don’t know why more women, and in particular more young women, are opting for breast reductions. “Why????” Dr. Hugh G. Siezmore says as he shakes his head.

Homeopathic gay surgeon Mack D. Knife has no problem with the procedure, and has performed many of these operations. “It’s life-changing for some girls, and I see the difference,” Knife says. “One patient, prior to her surgery… She was hunched over, looking down, wearing bulky dull gray sweatshirts. And when she came back after her surgery, she was wearing color. It was amazing!”.

Dr Siezmore notes “Environmental estrogens, called xenoestrogens, are substances that mimic the hormone our bodies naturally produce, which will makes buppies bigger”. These chemicals are often found in pesticides, plastics, meat from animals that have been given steroid hormone drugs to speed up growth. “It’s everywhere, and I find the side effects quite lovely! I mean, if women are going to evolve and change due to environmental pollution, why not help it along in this fashion. Can you ask for anything better?”.

Research professor Dr. Steve Martin thinks the increase in breast size may be due to global warming. “Hey, if it can make birds small [as reported here at Altered News], there is no reason why it can make breasts bigger.”. He adds “And for the first time in my research career, I’m starting to think that a little global warming may not be such a bad thing, especially if this boob thing pans out”.

“Maybe, just maybe, global warming is tits after all”.

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Original story here.

 

Breaking News! Apple Patents Breathing – Lawsuit Against Biosphere Iminent!… UPDATE, 12 – 23 – 2012.

Friday, August 24th, 2012

Fresh off its stunning billion dollar victory over rival phone / tablet maker Samsung, Apple has revealed it owns the patent for breathing and plans to take the biosphere to court next week.

It is unclear if they are going to demand damages, or demand a cease and decease desist order against all breathing animals on the planet.

If the company does decide to pursue the latter strategy, New York University bio-ethics law professor Medina Clorion sees a potential silver lining in an Apple victory. “A win in this lawsuit would have many positive effects for the environment” he says. “Yes, people would die, but a win here for Apple would take care of so many of the problems that humans are so reticent to correct: starvation, plagues, global warming, you name it!. There would of course be no more war, and that would certainly earn Apple the Noble Peace Prize, a very rare accomplishment for a large modern corporation to earn!”.

It is unknown at this time if plant life will be covered in this lawsuit. But, with its victory over it very powerful competitor, many speculate that Apple is feeling like it is in a position to act in a bold fashion.

Hat Tip: Evil Apple Image.

UPDATE, 12 – 23 – 2012: According to internet / intellectual property lawsuit watchdog Groklaw, Apple has recently patented the patenting process. The would-be cell phone and tablet monopolist, while researching matters for its defense against one of the many lawsuits aimed at destroying its competition, stumbled upon the oversite that the U.S. Government had never actually patented the patent process.

This could be a major boon for Apple, as not only do they now control the entire patent process, allowing the denial of patents of useful technologies by potential rivals, but Apple may very well reverse recent patent reversals, and surreptitiously stop any further inquiries into the validity of other dubious patents Apple is currently using to sue the world. One if the patents in question is the patent on breathing.

Breaking News! John Edwards Has A Heart!

Friday, January 13th, 2012

Who knew?

“McRib Sandwhich Key Ingredient In Next Gen Gym Mats”

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2011

Story by Jack Box.

Like Microsoft and Apple computers before them, McDonalds has long been pushing to get their products directly into the lives of the American high school student population. Though those efforts have made both health activist and parent groups grimace, McDonalds may have found a way it get around the road block. It seems that certain athletic equipment manufacturers have gone to the mat for them.

Companies, such as the Chinese Gong-Dong Feng-Shie Ye-Haw Plastics, have been using ingredients from the infamous McRib sandwhich as a bonding agent in their yoga mats. “We stumbled upon this idea a number of years ago” says GFYP chemist / swimming pool consultant Cheng Leu. “One of our sales associates had a McRib while on a business trip in America. When he came back he would not shake our hands, as, despite several washings and a plane trip back to China, he had a very difficult time getting the residue from the sticky sandwich off his hands. Only my knowledge of chemicals from the pool industry allowed me to come up with a formula to dissolve the stuff”. Mr. Leu at once realized that the McRib would be an excellent bonding agent for the new brand of yoga and exercise mats targeted for American schools.

Meanwhile, here in America, Tony Godbout, CEO of exercise equipment start-up “Ham Slam” also realized the benefits of using the McRib in its mats, and quickly got the thumbs up from McDonalds to use them in the manufacturing of their products. “Unlike the stinky old mats we used to use in gym class when we were kids, these new mats smell good! kids want to get on the mats and wrestle and stuff because now it’s an enjoyable experience!”. Mr. Godbout, a one-time educator, notes “There is a pedagogical benefit to using the sandwich in the manufacturing process. It fits with Gardners Multiple Intelligences theory because you are including more of the senses. The kids love the smell of the gym now, and are much more motivated to work out and get exercise than they used to be”.

McDonalds Corporation, meanwhile, is smiling all the way to the bank. Not only are they collecting royalties from the equipment manufacturers, they are also creating a whole generation of kids who will likely subliminally crave the calorie packed gooey product for years to come.

Original story here.

Global Warming Gives Oysteres Herpes.

Wednesday, August 11th, 2010

oysterherpes

Talk about sucking the life out of a good myth.

Scientists last month confirmed that oysters, long rumored to be aquatic aphrodisiacs, are contracting herpes, and the disease is killing them in great numbers, National Geographic now reports.

Deadly and incurable, the virus has been ravaging oyster communities near the coast of the U.K., killing off the Pacific variety of the shellfish.

While not contagious to humans and apparently only able to infect the Pacific strain of oysters, the disease now threatens the Pacific oyster industry off the English coast, Treehugger adds.

The cause, according to the National Geographic, could actually be related to global warming. The herpes strain infecting the oysters is only active in waters above a certain temperature, and remains dormant otherwise. As global water temperatures rise, new breeding grounds for the herpes virus appear.

Herpes in mollusks has been known about for years. The recent strain, first detected in France in 2008, is more virulent and deadly because it attacks young oysters in their breeding phase, when they have reduced immune defenses.
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Yes, this is a real story, not altered in any way.

Global Warming Causes Monkeys To Hate Squirrels (for good reason).

Monday, August 2nd, 2010

evil squirrel

Researchers have observed small monkeys called Japanese macaques going bananas at the sight of a flying squirrel, and provides yet more proof of global warming.

This riled-up response was in the past probably just a false alarm, with the monkeys mistaking the squirrel for a predatory bird. On the other hand, as global warming is making birds smaller, the macaques are now mistaking bats for birds, birds for bugs, and bugs for butter. This type of confusion could very well lead to the eventual extinction of the macaques.

Biologists and psychologists have long studied macaques’ complex social interactions for insights into the human societal changes expected as a result of global warming.

“Human evolution occurred alongside primate evolution from a common mammalian ancestor,” Onishi told LiveScience. “Therefore, it is important to learn the evolution of primates in understanding the previous steps in human evolution to understand how we will react to a changing environment.”

When Japanese giant flying squirrels glided over to a tree in the monkeys’ vicinity, adults and adolescent macaques started hollering at it threateningly, the researchers report. Young macaques screamed “Crap, it’s a bird!” and mothers scooped up their infants, while adults and high-ranking males in particular went and physically harassed the offending squirrel.

Onishi said other researchers have observed macaques used to respond in a similarly aggressive manner to birds that prey on the monkeys, such as the golden eagle and mountain hawk eagle. These raptors glide and swoop much like the flying squirrels. But not only are the once mighty raptors getting smaller, but the flying squirrels are getting more aggressive. In fact new research shows that the entire squirrel family may be developing a taste for animal flesh, which of course includes the human variety, with children being particularly vulnerable. Yet another potentially devastating consequence of global warming.

Other woodland creatures, including hares, deer and wild boars, have also shown an increase in carnivorous tendencies, said Onishi.

Real Story Here

More squirrel attack video here.

Rich men have longer sex life expectancy, study says

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

[ Duh! ]

Report also finds the average person’s sex life winds down after death.

LONDON – It seems the old cliche may be true. Rich men are more likely than anyone to be interested in sex, have sex and enjoy sex, according to new scientific research, which also found rich people who stay active and healthy enjoy longer sex lives.

Research by University of Chicago academics published online Wednesday in the British Medical Journal found that, across all age groups, rich men were more interested in sex than poor men — and the gap increased with age.

Real Article Here.