Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

Trump Reveals Pick For VP… Himself! UPDATE.

Wednesday, July 13th, 2016

In a move that surprised no one, Trump has selected himself to be his Vice Presidential pick. In a brief statement to reporters, he explained that he needed someone who is an “attack dog”, someone who would work hard to defend him against others, even those within the party he has hijacks, who were attacking him, and he realized that the only one capable of deflecting truthful criticism about him was himself.

He added that Supreme Court Justice Ginsburg is an old poopy-head.

UPDATE: In a separate statement, Trump campaign adviser Stag “Stumpy” Hughjalarge said the pick made perfect sense. “No one fights harder for Donald J Trump than Donald J Trump” he explained. “This isn’t even all that ground-breaking. Think about this; if Dick Cheney, who was in charge of finding the best Vice Presidential candidate for G W Bush, can choose himself to be G W Bush’s Vice President, then why can’t Trump, who is in charge of finding a candidate for Vice President, choose himself to be Vice President?”. “Plus” he notes “if Trump can run 514 companies and be awesome at it, then just being CEO of two government jobs will be a piece of cake, right?”.

He then added “Gindsburg is a witch”.

Keystone / California High Speed Rail Compromise Reached.

Tuesday, January 13th, 2015

In a surprise move today, The Republican Congress announced they would drop their push to build the controversial Keystone XL oil pipeline. Instead, they have made a deal with the California High Speed Rail Authority to use the bullet train to ship the Canadian tar sands oil instead of people.

“It makes sense when you think about it” said CHSRA Spokeswoman Connie Floggingbottom. “We were finding it impossible to find any private funding for the project, and, truth be told, our critics were right. No one was going to ride this train anyawy. It was all just a way for Governor Jerry Brown to make a name for himself”.

Finding the changes to the plan more palatable with its own goals, cigarette company Phillip Morris has already pledged to contribute funding to the project, and also has expressed interest in buying advertising space on the rail cars.

Former Pacific Gas and Electric President Christopher Johns will be taking over as the Chief Executive Officer of CHSRA. One of the first moves he plans to make is to change the route of the train. “Since it won’t be dealing with passnegers anymore, there is no need to have it run through po-dunk towns like Bakersfield and Fresno. It’s now going to follow along the natural path tha’s been carved out by the states own San Andreas Fault”.

“It makes perfect sense” says Johns. “The route is already there, just waiting to be exploited. We are just taking advantage of a natural resource. And that one move is going to cut expenses in half, and bring the price tag down closer to what the voters thought it would be when they voted on this project back in 2008”.

When ask about concerns about running the rails along the San Andreas fault, which is projected to produce massive earthquakes of 8.0 on the Richter Scale or higher in the near future, Johns commented “I had a nice conversation with Ted Cruz, the new Chair of the Senate’s Space, Science and Competitiveness commission. He has assured me that the Ssan Andreas fault is now dead and everything is perfectly safe”.

Johns added “It’s Ted Cruz! The man is GOLDEN!!! He would never lead anyone down the wrong path! Nothing can possibly go wrong!”.

Republican Senator Ted Cruz Vows To Crush Science.

Tuesday, January 13th, 2015

Republican Senator Ted Cruz has been appointed as the new chair of the Senate subcommittee on Space, Science and Competitiveness. On FOX News, he has declared the first thing he will do is end the debate concerning global warming by cutting all funding to any agency under his purview that even mentions anything about global warming in its mission statement and by removing any accumulated data from the record books.

“By eliminating the data, that will finally show once and for all that there is no global warming”. He proclaimed.

He also plans to have NASA turn the famed Hubble telescope to point to the area of the skies where Heaven is thought to be so the world can finally get a glimpse of God. “If anything can finally prove to the non-believers that God exists, Hubble is our tool”. He added “We can finally put the trillions of dollars the tax payers wasted on that floating hunk of junk to good use”. Some on Capitol Hill believe Cruz intends to let the NSA borrow the Hubble from time to time to assist in surveillance duties.

It is also rumored that within a year, Cruz plans to have a man land on Mars and claim the planet a new territory for the United States. He declined to comment on the record, but others close to Cruz have said that, recently, after he read the Cliffnotes for the book “David Starr, Space Ranger”, he told them he realized that the U.S. must land a man on Mars as soon as possible in order to show its exceptionalism. The sources also said that Cruz planned to get around the tremendous technical challenges concerning the endeavor by giving tons of money to private space industries, and also to destroy any scientific papers and references to those problems, thereby wiping the problems from existence.


Monday, December 22nd, 2014


UPDATE!  It seems our previous article has struck a nerve.

We previously reported that Santa Claus makes less than the United States Congress does. We are now learning that the does not sit well in Toyland.

Mr. Claus could not be reached for comment and declined an interview. But sources who work closely with the Jolly Ol’ guy in the toy shoppe confirm that he’s not happy about the situation. They note that he complains daily about how much harder he has to work than Congress does! They say Mr. Claus is reluctant to speak out in fear that the subsidies that his manufacturing plant gets may be reduced or pulled. One diminutive source even hinted that the NSA, under orders from the Obama administration, had threatened to put Santa on the “No Fly” list if he let his frustrations be known.

We will keep you informed of further developments.


Friday, December 19th, 2014



In a surprise move, Sony Corp. has given pink slips to its entire cyber-security team, and has contracted with the United States Internal Revenue Service to handle all e-mail security from this point forward, with former IRS agent Lois Lerner taking over as the Chief Information Security Officer.

While Sony Corp has yet to comment on the change, perhaps out of fear that someone will slip and insult Angelina Jolie, White Hat Security specialist Kevin Mxyzptlk declares this a bold move on Sony’s part.

“Their (Sony’s) former security team really didn’t do a very good job with internet security, and the recent events show what can happen when it’s not done properly. They had all sorts of bot-net vulnerabilities, were open to DDoS (distributed denial of service) attacks, and couldn’t tell a keylogger from a rootkit”.

Famous semi-French / Tech TV personality Leo LePortne added: “Hiring the IRS guys is a brilliant move! I mean, they managed to hide all those e-mails from the Congress by losing them. In this day and age, where everything has multiple back-ups, it’s quite a feat to lose ANY e-mail or other digital information! But somehow, they did it! It was, quite frankly, brilliant security!”.

Though no retaliatory plan has been revealed, various sources say that Lerner and company are now expected to scrutinize certain North Korean Government organizations applying for tax exempt status by focusing on groups with certain words in their names or titles, such as North Korea or Kim Jong Un.

Breaking News! John Edwards Has A Heart!

Friday, January 13th, 2012

Who knew?

BREAKING NEWS! Qaddafi Flees Libya, Replaces Steven Tyler on American Idol … UPDATE

Monday, August 22nd, 2011


written by the mysterious Wesley M.

TRIPOLI — Fleeing armed rebels and unarmed protesters, Libyan strongman Muammar Qaddafi has accepted the international community’s offer of exile in Hollywood, where he will appear as a judge on Season 11 of the hit television show American Idol.

“It’s hard to keep a show fresh and unpredictable after 10 years on the air, so we’re excited to have Col. Qaddafi as a judge next season,” said Executive Producer Cecile Frot-Coutaz. “Qaddifi combines the wackiness of Steven Tyler and Paula Abdul with the tyrannic intensity of Simon Cowell. And his chemistry with Ryan Seacrest during the audition was unbelievable!”

Governments around the world uniformly praised the diplomatic breakthrough.

“The Libyan people gain their freedom from a murderous psychopath, and the American people gain another year of great television,” said U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in Geneva. “This kind of win-win is the essence of smart diplomacy.”

The recently struck deal, however, also breathes new life into lingering suspicions of a double standard in the Obama administration’s handling of the revolutions in Libya and Egypt. Addressing this issue, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney explained, “Hosni Mubarak is a 82-year-old autocrat with no knowledge of modern pop music, whereas Col. Qaddafi has paid for personal concerts by the likes of Mariah Carey, Beyonce, and Nelly Furtado. The two situations really couldn’t be more different.”

Republicans predictably criticized the new agreement.

“When America sheltered Nazi scientists after World War II, we at least got the Apollo moon program out of it,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner. “What are we getting from Qaddafi? A better way to make some tone-deaf kid from Wichita cry?”

Potential presidential candidate Sarah Palin tweeted, “I guess Stalin had a scheduling conflict. And yes, I do know Stalin is dead.” (UPDATE: See related article, “Chris Matthews: ‘Why Is Sarah Palin Lying About Knowing Josef Stalin Is Dead?'”)

At least one veteran television personality, speaking on condition of anonymity, also expressed confusion. “Steven Tyler’s antics brought great ratings, but I guess he just became too unmanageable on the set,” Kelsey Grammer told Reuters. “But why the State Department and the American Idol producers think a tyrant who bombed his own people will be any more reasonable is just beyond me.”

Confronted with Grammer’s anonymous comments, new State Department spokesperson Charlie Sheen responded, “Kelsey Grammer’s mind cannot process how many bad-ass gnarly gnarlingtons are still out there. Even if Qaddafi flames out, we can keep filling a dictator’s seat at that judges’ table for decades, bro. I’m an F-18. Winning!”

Steven Tyler could not be reached for comment.

UPDATE: Though the original article was published in March, P. A., the anonymous source of the story, confirms Qaddafi has been in negotiations with FOX concerning American Idol since that time, and now, as Libya’s government falls, this is straight up a done deal!

Fukushima – Six Months Later.

Monday, August 15th, 2011

EDITORIAL by Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr.

There has been a number of disturbing repercussions from the melt-down at the Fukushima nuclear power facility. There have been varying reports of radiated food making its way into the Japanese food supply. Now there are reports that some of that food is being shipped to the United States, and none other than Hillary Clinton is behind it!

There is much speculation that she is attempting to affect the public’s already low opinion of President Barrack Obama by irradiating them, curing the massive brain cancer outbreak that cause his election in the first place, and she takes credit, thereby creating a perfect path to finally secure her place as Commander In Chief, something that should have happened 2 1/2 years ago.

Best of luck to you Hillary Clinton. We at Altered News have your back!

You may be saying… How is this going to work! Radiation can’t possibly affect peoples ability to chose wisely… Can it?

Oh, but it CAN. This isn’t brain surgery you know! Back in Japan, in a stunning development, this same Fukushima radiation has cause some very strange mutations to occur among the Japanese people. It seems to have indeed altered their ability to have any decent taste at all! You want proof? Here it is!

You may be saying, “Hey, this was ten years ago! How can Fukushima possibly have caused that?”. Physics, my friends, physics. Everyone knows that large, sudden fluctuations in radiation often triggers a ripple in the quantum time dilation effect. In non-technical terms, the effect of Fukushima traveled through time and created the hideous thing now known as Yatta, and altered the tastes of the Japanese people in the past to LOVE this sort of thing! And we know that, before Fukushima, that simply wasn’t the case! The quantumly un-irradiated Japanese people of the late 90’s were a sensible people and would never find themselves clamoring for such a thing as Yatta!

Now, you may ask “If this is the case, if the Fukushima event can alter history, then why isn’t Hillary Clinton, now, indeed, President?”.

That is a perfectly reasonable question with a perfectly reasonable answer. In order for the quantum time dilation effect to affect your past, you have to be near the source of the even. Quantum physics is very local. Hillary was nowhere near the Fukashima nuclear power plant at the time of the melt-down, so she could not have been able to benefit directly. Remember, Schrodinger’s Cat has to be inside the box in order to be both dead and alive.. Same thing here! But it has been shown that much lower levels of Fukushima’s quantum radiation CAN non-the-less affect a populations sense of taste…

And Hillary is READY FOR IT!!!


Note, some suspect the sudden emergence in America of both Michael Moore in the 90’S and Michelle Bachmann this last year may have also been a result of the Fukushima disaster. But so far, no one has been able to place either Moore or Bachmann near the scene of the accident to verify the hypothesis.

Still, that would explain a few things.

Madison Detached Hand Mystery….. Solved?

Saturday, August 13th, 2011

blue fist

A family dog in Madison brought home a severed human hand Saturday, launching a search that turned up the body of a suspected anti-Republican / Governor Walker protester, police said.

Sgt. Jody Tittle said police were called to a residence around 8:25 a.m. on reports that the family’s black Labrador retriever had the hand in its mouth.

Police searched with the assistance of Border Patrol search dogs for about 2 1/2 hours before coming upon the body of a man near a canal.

Tittle said the body appeared to have been there for a day or so, and that the man’s red shirt had “Solidarity” printed on front, leading officials to believe he was a protester at a recent anti-Governor Walker rally.


Police now say they do have a person of interest connected to the crime. Blogger Chris Althouse was seen the day before defending his mother Ann Althouse from an attack that may have emanated from this very protester. The University of Wisconsin Law Professor and widely read blogger writes on her blog:

In the middle of the screen, at 3:38, in the red “fist” T-shirt and holding a heart-shaped balloon, is the man who pointed me out in the rotunda yesterday and who (apparently) participated in the comments yesterday under the pseudonym “Dirty Hippie.” He talks to the attacker just before the attacker yells “You’re socially retarded” and attacks me. The attack is at 3:58, off camera. Meade yells “hey” a few times and gets the incident framed. At 4:00, you see Chris detaching that man’s hands from me.

Here is the video.

However, if any of the members of the Althouse family is responsible for the protesters death, there may be little the Madison Police can do. Buried within the language of the Walker budget, there is a hidden provision within the bill  indemnifying the actions taken by bloggers against those who assault them at political rallies. Curiously, there is no name attached to this specific language in the bill, only the initials A. A. Police are baffled that this provision would have gone unnoticed, and that the identity of the sponsor of this provision is so cleverly concealed.


Original story here.

John McCaine: “No Black Pilots… For Now.”

Thursday, December 2nd, 2010


In a move that surprised some, Senator John McCain, who had previously said he would follow the advise of senior military leaders concerning the ban against allowing blacks to fly missions, has gone against the advise of senior military leaders, who now say that repealing the ban would do no long term harm to military readiness.

“At this time, we should be inherently cautious about making any changes that would affect our military, and what changes we do make should be the product of careful and deliberate consideration,”

McCain, who retired at the rank of Captain in 1981, was directly challenged by current Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Admiral Mike Mullen, the military’s top uniformed officer who chairs the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

“Repeal of the law will not prove unacceptable risk to military readiness. Unit cohesion will not suffer if our units are well-led. And families will not encourage their loved ones to leave the service in droves.”

Mullen also said that Congress should act before the courts do, and that wartime is an ideal time for repeal.

“War does not stifle change; it demands it,” he said. “It does not make it harder; it facilitates it.”

McCain responded:

“Gates? He was never in the military… What does he know”!

Concerning Mullen, he added this:

“Yes, he’s an Admiral, but he hasn’t actually served in theater with the troops for years. He doesn’t know what’s going on, on the ground. He simply doesn’t understand how much damage this will cause to troop cohesiveness”

Major General Frank O’Driscoll Hunter defended McCain’s position:

“Racial friction will occur if colored and while pilots are trained together.”

Actual Story Here.

Developing – Gays Fight For Right To Get Engaged.

Tuesday, August 3rd, 2010

Now that the notion of gay marriage has shown to be less than a sure thing as far as the voting public is concerned, and is currently tied up in the courts, Bruce Blatt, longtime same sex advocate, has come up with an ingenious plan to advance the cause – gay engagement! “It’s the next obvious step” said the full-time blogger of Gay Surface-To-Air Missile., or GaySTAM.

“Look honey, we get far closer to our goal than people realize. We get to share rings, we get to have engagement parties,  bachelor and bachelor parties and other parties, have the future in-laws over for dinner, and we can live together like we’re married, yet it won’t be our fault that we can’t get married, but like so many American who get engaged and never get married, we can also pretend that it’s going to happen. It would be like voting “present” on marriage”.

“Plus, unlike marriage, there is no controlling legal authority, so it would be much harder to legally block our new movement”. He added “No one can stop us. Time is on our side”.

Sean Dobson, head of the Foundation for Fighting against Fake Families, sees the latest move to gain acceptance of gay relationships as dangerous to the ideal of real families. ” Engagements have for centuries been exclusively between one man and one woman. This whole idea of gays getting engaged is scam, designed to promote sympathy for those people. It tears at the social fabric that binds us all,  and will destroy the institution that is engagement!”.

Blatt counters that assertion “They used that argument against same sex marriage. We wouldn’t have destroyed it because it’s already destroyed. Remember when Brittney Spears got married in Vegas for a day. That does more to ruin marriage than we ever could. And now, you have Levi and Bristol making a mockery of  their engagement after only two weeks….  So there you go!”.

In Related News:  The FFFF has been caught using fake families to promote their family friendly cause.

Obama Apologizes To Supreme Court, Asks For Beer Summit!

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

Seeking to quell the controversy over his  comments on a recent Supreme Court decision, President Barack Obama made a surprise visit to the White House briefing room this afternoon.

Obama_Gates_E_20090724155525.jpgAssociated Press

“I unfortunately gave an impression that I was maligning the Supreme Court or Justice Kennedy specifically, and I could have calibrated those words differently,” Obama told reporters.

At his primetime State Of The Union address on January 27th, Obama said the Supreme Court acted stupidly regarding the Citizen United vs the FEC, and the decision will “open the floodgates” of spending for corporations and foreign companies and other special interests in reversing a century. One Supreme Court justice, Samual Alito, shook his head as if to say the court acted appropriately.

UPDATE 4:06 p.m.: In a statement, the White House said Obama spoke with Justice Roberts this afternoon at 3:15 p.m. “They had a positive discussion during which the president told Roberts about his call with Judge Alito and statement to the media,” reads the statement. Obama has invited Justices Roberts, Kennedy, Alito and the other Supreme Court justices to a meeting at the White House for a beer summit “in the near future.”

Note: Original story content borrowed from: WSJ

Illinois Dem Favored To Win After Arrest History Surfaces

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

CHICAGO – A political newcomer who won the Democratic nomination for Illinois lieutenant governor said he has no intention of leaving the race after details emerged about his arrest for allegedly holding a knife to his former girlfriend’s throat, noting that his poll numbers have been climbing steadily since the details of his arrest hit the press.

Scott Lee Cohen struck a defiant tone as running mate Gov. Pat Quinn predicted they were sure to win the race.  “There are questions, and I will provide all answers honestly and openly,” Cohen said in a statement Thursday.

Cohen was arrested on domestic battery charges in 2005, accused of pushing his then-girlfriend’s head against a wall and of the knife incident. The police report noted abrasions on her neck and hand, but charges were dropped after she failed to appear in court.

<strong><strong>Arrest for prostitution</strong></strong>
Police records show the woman had been arrested for prostitution, the Chicago Tribune reported. Cohen said he did not know that at the time. He told WTTW-TV that he met her at a “massage therapy place” and believed she was a masseuse. Cohen denied hitting her and said their relationship was “tumultuous.”

Cohen said he has asked her and his ex-wife, Debbie Cohen York, to clear the air. York sought an order of protection against Cohen in 2005 as she filed for divorce. She said his violence was fueled by anabolic steroids.

Cohen acknowledged his past steroid use but denied abusing York.

“I never touched her, I never touched any woman,” he told WLS-TV late Thursday. “That’s not my style, that’s not me.”

York stood by her allegations but said Cohen had changed.

“At the time, he was going through a different phase,” she said. “He was a different person than he is now.”

Cohen, a pawnbroker and owner of a cleaning supplies company, shocked the political establishment by beating four state lawmakers to nab the Democratic nomination with 26 percent of the vote. He gained strong name recognition with advertising that featured people who said they found jobs at employment fairs he organized. Thus, he is following Chicago native Barrack Obama’s footsteps into politics by way of community organizing.

Source Article – <a href=””>Here</a>.